There's So Much Pain. When will it stop?

I just finished watching a movie "Our Fathers" based on the sexual abuse scandal surrounding the Roman Catholic Church and several of their priests and Cardinal Law. The movie was done by Showtime in 2005. It wasn't an easy watch for one who has been abused, but at the same time it drew out my heart to the hundreds of young boys who had their lives wrecked by a person of "trust" in their religion. It was heart-wrenching to see the tragedies in the families as well as the boys. The outcome of the abuse was that several boys committed suicide, some drank themselves to death, some overdosed on drugs, but all were emotional wrecks. They just couldn't live a normal life.

The media made it sound like they were out for money. It had nothing to do with the money they eventually received. One victim said he deposited the check in the bank, but it was "bad money". He had no intention of using it. It was never about the money. It was about seeing some justice done in their behalf. It was about seeing the perpetrators suffer the consequences for their vile acts against humanity. But I don't think that ever really happens in this lifetime. I don't think perpetrators can begin to understand what havoc they have brought into a precious life. It just feels like you are going crazy and that their never will be an end to the inner turmoil.

Cardinal Bernard F. Law eventually resigned as archbishop of Boston on December 13, 2002. But he went on to go to Rome and receive even higher honors. So much said for the bungling job he did in covering up the continuing rape and abuse by Catholic priests. He went on to be appointed by John Paul II to a post in Rome, putting him in charge of the Bascilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, with the title of Archpriest. Law will reach 80 on November 4, 2011 and will then lose the right to participate in any papal conclave.

John Geoghan, the priest who was brought to trial for his abuse of minors under 14, was eventually sentenced to 10 years in prison. He was murdered in his prison cell as Joseph L. Druce tightened a crude noose around his neck even as Geoghan begged for mercy - a mercy he had never given to any of his victims. Geoghan lay face down on the floor of his cell not 20 feet from the guard station in a "secure" prison. His 30-year perpetration of young boys came to a hideous end. He had been a pedophile, a liar, and a manipulator and "a threat to any young boy who may have the misfortune to be in contact with him" (statement issued by Judge Sandra Hamlin as she sentenced him to his 10-year prison term).

But what about the victims? When will their sentence be over? The pain just doesn't stop as was attested to by one of the victims in the movie. His whole life was shattered after the attack when he was just twelve. His brother was a victim as well. One family had seven sons that were all molested by Geoghan. The mother had sent a registered letter to Cardinal Law in regard to what had happened, but nothing was ever done. The power and control vested in one man ruined hundreds of lives forever. No amount of money would ever be able to compensate the losses that were incurred. How could money redeem them from the life sentence of hell that had been given them?

I could relate to the stories of these young men. My experiences were different, but the lasting results were the same. They trusted their priest. I trusted my seminary teacher. I had respected, admired, and trusted him. When he violated me, along with other perpetrators, my life as it should have been was over. It would never be the same again. There was no way to retrieve what had been lost. The pain inside my heart, the emotional upheavals, the scars, the fears, the lack of trust were now realities. This was what I was left to deal with. Prison is too good for a perpetrator. What they deserve will be administered by a higher judge some day. They will then begin to know and understand what their lustful desires gone uncontrolled have created. They will know and understand the pain that doesn't stop. But will they ever know or understand what might have been for their victims? What would life be like without the pain, without the fears, with the ability to trust and move forward in life happily? I wish there was a prescription they could take that would open up their heart and give them an understanding vision of what they truly have created. I wish they could literally walk in the shoes of their victims and realize what they stole from their lives. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe their karma will have them being a molested victim in another life, so they can witness firsthand the pain that doesn't stop.

Child Sexual Abuse Reports in Kenya Mirror Sex Abuse Patterns in Boy Scouts of America

I received an email from Kelly Clark, a Portland, OR based attorney devoted to the rights of those who have been sexually abused. Here is the Link to the Kenya Sexual Abuse article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-11492499. I have spoken with Kelly personally, and he is truly supportive of those who have experienced the trauma of being sexually abused. He fights for them in the courts as well as working on getting legislation passed in favor of the abused. His comments about the Kenya article:

"The news that over 1000 teachers in Kenya have been dismissed in recent years for sexually abusing girls is stunning.

No matter how long I do this work, I never get used to such things—and especially not to such numbers.  If you assume that, on average, each teacher involved had 10 victims—a conservative number, according to psychological literature—there are at least 10,000 girls affected.  But wait: we know that only a handful ever get caught or reported: 10% would be a very high number.  But even if it is that, there would be as many as 100,000 girls abused.  Again, the problem seems to be of staggering proportions.

This dynamic is similar to what we learned in the sex abuse trial of the Boy Scouts in Portland this past spring.  We had over 1200 “Perversion files” introduced into evidence, all concerning Boy Scout leaders sexually abusing boys, just from 1965-85.  Expert testimony established that, for such an environment, each such Boy Scout leader would have, on average, 10-20 victims, and that, perhaps 10% of all sex abuse in the Boy Scouts  would ever be reported—a very optimistic number, the experts agreed.  But if you do that math, it means that somewhere between120,000 and 240,000 boys were sexually abused in Boy Scouting, JUST from 1965-85.  And we know that the Boy Scouts have been keeping their “confidential Perversion files” on child sexual abusers since 1925.    As I have said repeatedly since the trial, I am personally convinced that the problem of child sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts is at least as serious, if not worse, than the sexual abuse problem in the Catholic Church."

Kelly does trial work for the abused against the Boys Scouts, Catholic Church, Seventh Day Adventists,  and Mormon (LDS) Church. His web site: www.kellyclarkattorney.com states: 

"Kelly Clark is a trial and appellate lawyer representing individuals, families and businesses against large or powerful institutions, public and private. He is recognized for his courtroom skills, for his knowledge of public and constitutional law, and for his tenacious and creative litigation strategies. A former two term legislator, as of 2009 Mr. Clark has practiced before or against some 85 federal, state and local government agencies. He has brought cases in state and federal court on civil rights, voting rights, education rights—including pioneering wins for charter schools—as well as cases on religious liberty, free speech and property rights. He has been legal counsel to numerous political campaigns, including legislative, congressional and gubernatorial candidates."

I am very impressed with Kelly's dedication to those who have been abused. It feels good when you have such talent and expertise dedicated to non-tolerance of such pernicious acts. I would like to see more who are devoted to rooting out this "disease" which affects all of us in our country as well as the world. If we could look into the hearts of the perpetrators, what would we discover? Do they have core issues of their own that stem from being abused in one way or another? What sad/bad things have they had to deal with that causes them to act out in such a manner? I believe they have sustained such deep hurts themselves that they only know how to act out in anger. If they were educated and had those who loved them counsel with them, could they be restored to their original blueprint of love? I believe so. I don't think hate and anger will change them. I believe it has to come from a foundation of love and acceptance and them being able to see what damage they are doing to their victims as well as to themselves and their loved ones. 

I am dedicated to getting the word out that there is much abuse going on behind a wall of secrecy and threats. Sexual abuse is never about sex. It's about control. There are positive ways that perpetrators can use to being whole and healed themselves. It begins with them doing their own soul-searching to see what lies at the root of their abusing others. Below their anger, there is pain - pain that is buried. It is pain that needs to be brought to the surface where it can be resolved and perpetrators can become whole and high-level functioning individuals. 

If you know someone who has been abused, or if you know someone who is a perpetrator, encourage them to seek counseling. I also am available and may be reached at: puggie37@yahoo.com.

14 and Abused by a Person in a Trusting Position and Authority

I received a phone call last night from my daughter and grandson. A friend of his at school had confided in him that she had been abused a year ago by a leader in her church. She was 14 at the time. Immediately, the tears came because I was the same age when I also was abused by my seminary teacher. I could relate too well to the feelings she might be experiencing. I asked a lot of questions so I could get a feeling for where she was coming from. My daughter told her about my book, and she was interested in reading it. Their family copy was with one of the older children while he reads it. I told my daughter I'd be happy to give the girl a book.

I spoke with my grandson at length because I didn't want him to feel like he needed to try to fix things for her. I assured him that this deserved professional counseling which she is supposedly receiving. I told him he must have a special relationship with her for her to reveal such inner feelings to him. I would think the first place she would go would be to a girl friend. To confide in a boy, to me, means she has a lot of confidence in my grandson. He is a sweetheart, but I'm also concerned about him. I don't want to see him get involved in a relationship that could create close feelings based on rescuing rather than friendship. That can and does happen too frequently.

I'm also concerned about her relationship with her parents. Are they supportive of her? I hope so. She certainly doesn't need to be receiving any judgments at this fragile time in her life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I hear about more and more abuse. The good news is that she is not keeping it secret which only serves to protect the perpetrator. I asked about the 30-year-old man who did the abusing. Was there any civil action being taken, and thank goodness there is. I asked about church actions but no one knew the answer.

This has been on my mind all day. My book is a bit heavy for a 15-year-old, so I told my daughter to advise her not to read it from beginning to end. The first two chapters are more in story-line. And the counseling years might prove valuable for her. The rest, she could just thumb through and stop wherever her heart tells her. I'm sure there is much there that will assist her. I just don't want her to get too much too soon. It might also be good for her parents to read the book and the leaders in her church.

I just feel so sad that another soul has to deal with such trauma. And it is traumatic! It may well affect every aspect of her life for who knows how long - maybe for her entire lifetime. And all because someone thought he had the right and he couldn't control his own urges. I watch Law and Order Criminal Intent - Special Victims Unit because it's usually about sexual abuse. I don't think we even begin to know the horrors of what happens out there on a daily basis. I so much want this to stop, and I desire to be there for those who have gone through such heinous experiences. Fourteen is much, much too young to be experiencing such things. A fourteen-year-old just doesn't have the social skills and knowledge to know what impact this can have on her life. But a thirty-year-old definitely does, and he deserves to pay for ruining this young girl's life.

Speak - Lifetime Movie Network movie

I watched Speak this week because in the explanation of the movie it spoke of a teenage rape. The girl went to a party with her friends. She was totally into the party, having a great time, and felt very free. An older boy showered her with attention. They danced, and he kissed her. Then he led her outside and kissed her some more while leading her to his car. The kissing continued momentarily inside the car, and then he began pressing her for more. When she said no, he pressed his hand tightly over her mouth so her screams couldn't be heard and continued with his assault.

Afterward, she is shown walking barefoot, bedraggled, horrified, and sad. She goes home by herself and tells no one. At school the following year, she is a very depressed and sad soul. Soon her friends leave her, and others make fun of her. She goes from being a good student to getting D grades. Her parents are shocked and alarmed at her behavior, but they don't really listen to her. They just want her to be her old self. She is no longer included in any activities in or out of school. She is a loner and a failure. Her art teacher is the only one who really tries to reach down into her inner feelings. She chose a tree as her object for the year. She does different kinds of trees and eventually starts noticing trees in nature. She improves in art. Meanwhile, she discovers a hidden alcove behind a storage closet. This becomes her safe haven and her place to escape. Her only ally is her lab partner and a new girl at school. The new girl eventually tells her she can't be around her any longer because she drags her down. She suggests she get some professional help. 

Her X-good friend, begins dating the boy who assaulted her. After about three months, the victim writes on the X-friend's notebook that she was raped. Her friend runs outside with her and asks why she didn't tell her? She is totally supportive until she asks and finds out who the rapist was. She runs back inside the building calling the victim a liar and says she's jealous. However, the X-friend begins to see things in her boyfriend that concern her. She begins to ask questions, and the boy runs from her calling her a Bitch. Toward the end, he finds his victim in her safe place and starts again to attack her. The X-friend had told others about the rape. When the victim's screams are heard, several girls come to the rescue and tell the boy they know what he did. The boy is removed and the girl is taken to the hospital for stitches. Her mother talks to her on the way home and asks if she wants to talk. The girl says she does.

Two things stuck out to me. One, the victim kept trying to make herself talk. She would say in her mind: Say this....etc. But she could never get the words out. I was the same way. Several of my family thought I was a sulker, but in reality, I could not put voice to the words inside me. They choked in my throat. I wasn't able to vocalize my inner thoughts and feelings. Second, the tree girl, had decorated her safe place with all the trees she had made and painted during the year. The art teacher was leaving because he wasn't appreciated (while he was the only one reaching students). The last day of school, she leaves her lab partner who has just invited her to a party that evening (and she accepts) to run back to show her teacher her safe place. He was totally thrilled and tears indicated how touched he was. What a great teacher. Lessons weren't the important thing to him - students were. It reminded me of Dead Poets' Society and Robin Williams leaving his classroom for the last time. Why do we sometimes lose the great teachers and keep those that live within the box and never reach inside and touch the students?

At any rate, I could relate to this raped girl. Her whole countenance went from one of being outgoing, happy, free, spontaneous, to one of total depression, sadness, and feeling worthless. Isn't it sad what a perpetrator can cause just because he thinks what he wants is more important than ruining someone's life. I truly wish they could feel and experience what their victims go through. A movie worth watching.

What The Pope Knew. A CNN Special Investigation

Kelly Clark, an attorney for the sexual abused in OR sent this today. The link is: http://www.mormonabuse.com/sex-abuse-news-of-interest/what-the-pope-knew.a-cnn-special-investigation/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+SurvivorsOfMormonSexAbuse+(Survivors+of+Mormon+Sex+Abuse)

This is a CNN Special Investigation concerning some of the most notorious pedophile priest cases in the US. The reporter, Gary Tuchman, discovered when the Pope was a Cardinal,and was responsible for the handling of the cases, he opposed or slowed down the defrocking of some convicted child molesters.

The program will air Saturday, September 25 at 8:00pm ET. Some parts will be available on CNN.com. Kelly Clark's areas of practice are: Mormon Abuse, Catholic Abuse, Boy Scout Abuse, School and Other Youth Programs.

September 21, 2010

September 21, 2010

Sexual abuse, statutory rape, prison term – all relate to Michael Pratt. Michael Pratt was a LDS Seminary Principal/teacher who was charged with statutory rape of a minor and several other charges. Fourth District Judge Christine Johnson sentenced Pratt to three concurrent terms of five years to life in prison and an additional one to 15 year sentence. Pratt had pleaded guilty in June to one count of forcible sodomy and two counts of object rape, all first-degree felonies, and forcible sexual assault, a second-degree felony. In return, prosecutors dropped 11 other charges. The story link: http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50319781-76/pratt-victim-woman-seminary.html.csp

I have followed his trial with much interest because the same thing happened to me when I was 14-15. My seminary principal was also my teacher. I have just read over 250 comments posted to this related article. I was shocked and saddened by some of the comments. There is much that needs to be understood in this regard. Back in my day, there was no civil action taken against my teacher. My cousin recently was quick to tell his siblings, however, the man was excommunicated from the LDS church as if that was punishment enough. I got the feeling that this was all my cousin felt was necessary (he serves in a high position is the LDS church). Sad, because this teacher went on to become principal of a local high school.

Some feel 6 years to life in prison is severe for the crime (and it was a crime). What about the victim? She was given a life prison term without any possibility of parole. Some readers may be skeptics, but my husband has lived with me for more than 50 years, and he often says that my teacher would have been much kinder to me if he had just killed me. What happened to me has affected every aspect of my life: social, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and most of all my children because I was unable to nurture. I was ostracized when I went public with my abuse (as counseled by my third therapist) and treated like I had social plague. I was released from my church callings and put out to pasture. I had been a leader and popular speaker previously.

I went through years of therapy, reading and applying everything I could find that would assist me. I had also been abused severely by a lifeguard one summer when I was 12. I had repressed abuse that had occurred when I was a child. This memory came back after I was 52. I was in a sexual abuse class at Women’s Conference at BYU taught by Dr. Anne Horton, author of Confronting Abuse. There were 450 abused in her class. She taught us some poignant facts: when you are abused as a child, you lose your free agency and “No” is never an option. She gave an example of a woman who had a temple marriage, 6 children, and yet every time her father came to town she had sex with him. To the unlearned, this sounds incredible, but to the abused, it totally makes sense. It’s like a part of your brain goes to sleep when you are in a threatening situation, and your ability to take action is null and void. I was accused of knowing better. I had been taught moral principles. Yes, but in the moment, I became a 4-year-old child again without any authority.

The life sentence includes feeling dirty, unworthy, full of toxic shame, and helpless. Toxic shame means you are totally flawed as a person without any hope of recovery, and totally worthless. The feelings became so intense for me that I wanted to die, to disintegrate so I wouldn’t have the heavy guilt, unlovable even by God, feelings.

I have felt that I should put all that I learned from my experiences to some use. My third therapist told me I had read and studied so much I had an equivalent of a Ph.D. in counseling – I just didn’t have the pigskin. But I had something better – experience. I wrote my experiences and what I learned in my book, The Illness That Healed Me - An Account of Surviving Sexual Abuse and the Journey into Healing, so I could assist the abused to heal. The focus is on healing and forgiving. Forgiving, I feel is mandatory, in order to heal; otherwise the abused remains tied to the perpetrator. I put my email address on the book jacket because I know how scary it is for an abused to contact anyone personally. I may be reached at: puggie37@yahoo.com

Sequel to Sunset and the Birds

September 19, 2010

Janice Weinhe

A quick follow-up to Sunset and Birds of September 11.  I was at the swimming pool in the far corner. A bird flew in and landed at the opposite corner. It began walking across the (outside the pool) shallow end, between the hot tub and the pool, and then walked down the entire side to where I was in the corner. I have tried to talk to birds who have flown in in the past with my voice. This time, however, I just telepathically communicated with it. As it came to the corner where I was, it stopped, and its beak kept opening and closing as if it were talking with me. I stood in the corner silent. After a while I raised one hand to the edge of the pool, and the bird flew away. (Wish I hadn’t done that.) I pondered over the experience afterward and felt that this was a second witness to the earlier experience I had had. I felt so touched and humbled
.