Sexual Abuse and the Mormon Church

While in a group therapy for sexual abuse, our leader suggested when we went to church on Sunday (this was a Mormon group with a Mormon hierarchy leader), we not put on our "happy Sunday go to meeting faces" but rather when people asked us how we were to "throw up all over them". This meant that we revealed our sexual abuse. I soon discovered that people weren't really interested. When they asked how we were, they wanted the traditional "fine" or "great" answer. They didn't want to know any of our history. And if you tried to tell more than fine, they made excuses to leave.

I had learned to stuff my feelings early on in life and not to admit to any of my abuse history. It just didn't bring good results. For instance, when I told a 21-year-old about the lifeguard raping me (when I was 12 and working at a resort), she told me if anything was happening, it was my own fault. I quickly learned it wasn't safe to tell anyone. She, however, told the lifeguard what I had said, and he later confronted me and threatened me all the while continuing to abuse me.

When I was an adult and had nine children (several already married), I was teaching a women's group in our church. As I prepared for my lesson one week, I kept getting an inner nudge about revealing my sexual abuse to the women. I kept shrugging it off knowing it wasn't safe to bring up such a subject. As Sunday morning arrived, the feeling persisted and kept getting stronger. I finally said to the inner voice "if I feel this deep impression at the end of my lesson, I will". I was somewhat nervous after having committed to breaking the barriers I had perceived in the past from such revelations.

I was more nervous than usual as I stood to give my lesson that morning. The lesson went well, and as I was closing, that inner voice reminded me of my pledge. I stopped speaking momentarily while having an argument with that inner voice. I hesitated slightly, and then in about three simple sentences revealed my abuse which included a family member as a child, the lifeguard when I was 12, and my seminary teacher/principal as a teenager.

The room was instantly deafeningly quiet. I closed my lesson and sat down. I felt the heavy penetration of that silence. A closing prayer was said. I sat still for a moment, but no one approached me. No one said anything. The president of the women's organization and her counselors avoided me. I gathered my materials and left the room. I felt like I was wearing an "A" on my chest and everyone cowered at the sight of me. It took all my stamina and courage to walk down the hallway, admist avoided glances and whispers, and out to my car. I was so glad to drive away from the church parking lot.

I had been president of the women's organization in our church and had served in the next level of administration over a very large group of women. I knew the protocol for compassionate service to the women of the church. It had not been followed.

At home, I called my friend who knew my history and hadn't been at the meeting. She had also served as president of the women's organization. I told her what I had done that morning and asked what her response would have been if she had been president. She replied: I would have been at your house within 10 minutes following the meeting to put my arms around you, to love you, and to see what I could do to help you." I would have done the same. I had rung the neighborhood "call for help" bell so to speak, and no one had responded. I felt so unloved, so unworthy, and total rejection which was the way I'd felt most of my life.

But the worst rejection came later when I was called in by the bishop (who was the leader over our ward) and was released from my calling. I was put out to pasture. I had served in executive positions in the church for many years. I had taught the adult gospel class for men and women for 8 years. I had taught the older teens for more than 25 years. I had given my all in service to my church, and I was being deposed. It broke my heart.

After my first book was published, I traveled extensively for my church speaking at all kinds of groups from teen conferences, women conferences, adult trainings, couple's trainings,state and national conventions, to Sun City retirees. I did it all for free. Many weeks, I would speak out 4-5 times at different groups. I traveled all over the western US and Canada to speak. I was keynote speaker at most of these workshop/conferences. I had given my all to my church, and this was my reward.

I was devastated. It was the greatest rejection of my life. I didn't want to go out of my house. I didn't want to see people. I felt like I was the gossip of the neighborhood. Four months later, I approached my visiting teacher who was a religion editor for a local newspaper and also served in the presidency of our women's group. I asked why she had never mentioned my abuse. Disgustedly she replied: "I can't deal with people making things like that public". Another total rejection.

What is it that makes people think the victim is the perpetrator? I had seen instances in our church where the perpetrator was protected while a victim was not given any support. It had been difficult for me to truly believe this, but here I was experiencing it first-hand. People had no idea of the devastation to my life and existence because of my abuse, but here they were adding more affliction and abuse to my already tormented existence. How could I go on? It was a blessing in disguise when I later received a promotion at the Jewish synagogue where I worked, and I was unable to attend my Sunday meetings. But what happened then? That's when the hierarchy became concerned and called me in. They didn't care about the abuse or my years of torment and suffering, but they did care when their percentage of attendance went down when I quit going to their meetings.

I wrote this after reading Religion Dispatches article by Joanna Brooks and the story of Melanie S. who finally spoke out against the Mormon Church's prop 8 in CA. A quote from that article: “The real story for me,” she explained, “is what does a good Mormon do when you’ve prayed and you’ve gotten answers as real and strong as the answers other people have gotten, but they lead you in a different direction? It’s easy for people to say, ‘You can’t think that; you follow the prophet.’ But do you have to choose between the church you love and the inspiration you feel you are getting from an honest place?”

Melanie's story gave me the courage to speak my own truth.

Rosary Murders and More

Watching Rosary Murders this week brought the terrible reality into focus of the horrendous impact of sexual abuse on a teenager. In the movie, a 16-year-old girl confides in a nun about incest and her father raping her. The nun did not believe her and called her a liar. She told the teen that her father would never do such a despicable thing, and that she should be ashamed for accusing him. The girl committed suicide the next week by hanging herself. The nun took on a vow of silence after the fact.

A helpless girl reached out to someone she felt she could trust, but it just didn't work out for her. So she took the only available action she thought she had. Young girls do not have the social skills to protect themselves. They don't know where they can go and to whom they can turn. I know because I went through these things myself. After being repeatedly assaulted by an 18-year-old lifeguard when I was 12, I went to an older girl who was working at the resort and confided in her. She told me if anything was happening to me it was my own fault. I had to agree with her. I thought I must have done something wrong. But what does a 12-year-old know?

After two years I confided in my seminary teacher about the abuse. I was inundated with guilt from "being immoral" or so I thought. I thought God hated me and wouldn't have anything to do with me. That was my religious training. Well, after four months, the seminary teacher crossed the line and also abused me for the next two years. I, like the girl in the movie, didn't know what to do. My religious background and training made me feel like I was evil, but at the same time, he was my religious superior.

I swim daily for exercise at our local rec center. Twice this week, I was approached by a woman at the pool. They each had their own story of sexual abuse to share with me. One told the story of her niece. When the girl told her mother that her stepfather was abusing her, the mother (like the nun above), didn't believe her. To whom could the girl go then if her own mother wouldn't believe her? I advised the aunt, told her about my website, a bit of my own history, and gave her my email address so the niece could contact me. But it hasn't happened. It's so difficult to reach out when you have been abused. Even when I was in my 50's and seeking group therapy and counseling, I sat at the desk for hours before I could make the phone call and then had diarrhea all day before the first session. It's debilitating physically, mentally, and emotionally to reach out. It's almost impossible to put forth the courage to make the contact.

The second lady at the pool confided to me about a more local family who were entertainers. The father was in the hierarchy in his church as well as a professional businessman in the community. There were five daughters who eventually went public with the incest in their family. All five girls had been abused. Again, it was more important to protect the family name and reputation than to stop the abuse and get treatment. Neither the church nor society reached out to the girls.

I continue to hear such sad stories. My heart aches for the victims because I know how it feels. It's so difficult after the fact to get the healing balm that is needed. I have a granddaughter who is doing preventative work. She has written a book on Street Harassment and travels extensively doing seminars and informing the public about the aftermath of street harassment, which is a verbal form of sexual abuse. She is doing great work, and I expect to see tremendous results from her work. But there are still the one in three females and one in six males who have been sexually abused by the age of 18 and it's usually incest, that need assistance to get their lives back together.

I don't want to see more suicides or other side affects from the aftermath of sexual abuse. I would like to see more legislation in favor of the abused. I would like to see more attorneys such as Kelly Clark in Portland, OR who is fighting legal battles for the abused. My seminary teacher did no jail time. In fact he went from being seminary principal to being principal of a very large local high school. That is devastating. I would like to see more safe places where the abused can go and feel safe. Family and church do not always support the abused. I certainly wasn't, and I know how that feels to carry a lifetime of guilt around with you. These special young folk deserve to know that they have done nothing wrong. They are the victims not the perpetrators. It's the perpetrators that deserve to be labeled. And the secrets should not be kept.

There's So Much Pain. When will it stop?

I just finished watching a movie "Our Fathers" based on the sexual abuse scandal surrounding the Roman Catholic Church and several of their priests and Cardinal Law. The movie was done by Showtime in 2005. It wasn't an easy watch for one who has been abused, but at the same time it drew out my heart to the hundreds of young boys who had their lives wrecked by a person of "trust" in their religion. It was heart-wrenching to see the tragedies in the families as well as the boys. The outcome of the abuse was that several boys committed suicide, some drank themselves to death, some overdosed on drugs, but all were emotional wrecks. They just couldn't live a normal life.

The media made it sound like they were out for money. It had nothing to do with the money they eventually received. One victim said he deposited the check in the bank, but it was "bad money". He had no intention of using it. It was never about the money. It was about seeing some justice done in their behalf. It was about seeing the perpetrators suffer the consequences for their vile acts against humanity. But I don't think that ever really happens in this lifetime. I don't think perpetrators can begin to understand what havoc they have brought into a precious life. It just feels like you are going crazy and that their never will be an end to the inner turmoil.

Cardinal Bernard F. Law eventually resigned as archbishop of Boston on December 13, 2002. But he went on to go to Rome and receive even higher honors. So much said for the bungling job he did in covering up the continuing rape and abuse by Catholic priests. He went on to be appointed by John Paul II to a post in Rome, putting him in charge of the Bascilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, with the title of Archpriest. Law will reach 80 on November 4, 2011 and will then lose the right to participate in any papal conclave.

John Geoghan, the priest who was brought to trial for his abuse of minors under 14, was eventually sentenced to 10 years in prison. He was murdered in his prison cell as Joseph L. Druce tightened a crude noose around his neck even as Geoghan begged for mercy - a mercy he had never given to any of his victims. Geoghan lay face down on the floor of his cell not 20 feet from the guard station in a "secure" prison. His 30-year perpetration of young boys came to a hideous end. He had been a pedophile, a liar, and a manipulator and "a threat to any young boy who may have the misfortune to be in contact with him" (statement issued by Judge Sandra Hamlin as she sentenced him to his 10-year prison term).

But what about the victims? When will their sentence be over? The pain just doesn't stop as was attested to by one of the victims in the movie. His whole life was shattered after the attack when he was just twelve. His brother was a victim as well. One family had seven sons that were all molested by Geoghan. The mother had sent a registered letter to Cardinal Law in regard to what had happened, but nothing was ever done. The power and control vested in one man ruined hundreds of lives forever. No amount of money would ever be able to compensate the losses that were incurred. How could money redeem them from the life sentence of hell that had been given them?

I could relate to the stories of these young men. My experiences were different, but the lasting results were the same. They trusted their priest. I trusted my seminary teacher. I had respected, admired, and trusted him. When he violated me, along with other perpetrators, my life as it should have been was over. It would never be the same again. There was no way to retrieve what had been lost. The pain inside my heart, the emotional upheavals, the scars, the fears, the lack of trust were now realities. This was what I was left to deal with. Prison is too good for a perpetrator. What they deserve will be administered by a higher judge some day. They will then begin to know and understand what their lustful desires gone uncontrolled have created. They will know and understand the pain that doesn't stop. But will they ever know or understand what might have been for their victims? What would life be like without the pain, without the fears, with the ability to trust and move forward in life happily? I wish there was a prescription they could take that would open up their heart and give them an understanding vision of what they truly have created. I wish they could literally walk in the shoes of their victims and realize what they stole from their lives. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe their karma will have them being a molested victim in another life, so they can witness firsthand the pain that doesn't stop.

Child Sexual Abuse Reports in Kenya Mirror Sex Abuse Patterns in Boy Scouts of America

I received an email from Kelly Clark, a Portland, OR based attorney devoted to the rights of those who have been sexually abused. Here is the Link to the Kenya Sexual Abuse article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-11492499. I have spoken with Kelly personally, and he is truly supportive of those who have experienced the trauma of being sexually abused. He fights for them in the courts as well as working on getting legislation passed in favor of the abused. His comments about the Kenya article:

"The news that over 1000 teachers in Kenya have been dismissed in recent years for sexually abusing girls is stunning.

No matter how long I do this work, I never get used to such things—and especially not to such numbers.  If you assume that, on average, each teacher involved had 10 victims—a conservative number, according to psychological literature—there are at least 10,000 girls affected.  But wait: we know that only a handful ever get caught or reported: 10% would be a very high number.  But even if it is that, there would be as many as 100,000 girls abused.  Again, the problem seems to be of staggering proportions.

This dynamic is similar to what we learned in the sex abuse trial of the Boy Scouts in Portland this past spring.  We had over 1200 “Perversion files” introduced into evidence, all concerning Boy Scout leaders sexually abusing boys, just from 1965-85.  Expert testimony established that, for such an environment, each such Boy Scout leader would have, on average, 10-20 victims, and that, perhaps 10% of all sex abuse in the Boy Scouts  would ever be reported—a very optimistic number, the experts agreed.  But if you do that math, it means that somewhere between120,000 and 240,000 boys were sexually abused in Boy Scouting, JUST from 1965-85.  And we know that the Boy Scouts have been keeping their “confidential Perversion files” on child sexual abusers since 1925.    As I have said repeatedly since the trial, I am personally convinced that the problem of child sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts is at least as serious, if not worse, than the sexual abuse problem in the Catholic Church."

Kelly does trial work for the abused against the Boys Scouts, Catholic Church, Seventh Day Adventists,  and Mormon (LDS) Church. His web site: www.kellyclarkattorney.com states: 

"Kelly Clark is a trial and appellate lawyer representing individuals, families and businesses against large or powerful institutions, public and private. He is recognized for his courtroom skills, for his knowledge of public and constitutional law, and for his tenacious and creative litigation strategies. A former two term legislator, as of 2009 Mr. Clark has practiced before or against some 85 federal, state and local government agencies. He has brought cases in state and federal court on civil rights, voting rights, education rights—including pioneering wins for charter schools—as well as cases on religious liberty, free speech and property rights. He has been legal counsel to numerous political campaigns, including legislative, congressional and gubernatorial candidates."

I am very impressed with Kelly's dedication to those who have been abused. It feels good when you have such talent and expertise dedicated to non-tolerance of such pernicious acts. I would like to see more who are devoted to rooting out this "disease" which affects all of us in our country as well as the world. If we could look into the hearts of the perpetrators, what would we discover? Do they have core issues of their own that stem from being abused in one way or another? What sad/bad things have they had to deal with that causes them to act out in such a manner? I believe they have sustained such deep hurts themselves that they only know how to act out in anger. If they were educated and had those who loved them counsel with them, could they be restored to their original blueprint of love? I believe so. I don't think hate and anger will change them. I believe it has to come from a foundation of love and acceptance and them being able to see what damage they are doing to their victims as well as to themselves and their loved ones. 

I am dedicated to getting the word out that there is much abuse going on behind a wall of secrecy and threats. Sexual abuse is never about sex. It's about control. There are positive ways that perpetrators can use to being whole and healed themselves. It begins with them doing their own soul-searching to see what lies at the root of their abusing others. Below their anger, there is pain - pain that is buried. It is pain that needs to be brought to the surface where it can be resolved and perpetrators can become whole and high-level functioning individuals. 

If you know someone who has been abused, or if you know someone who is a perpetrator, encourage them to seek counseling. I also am available and may be reached at: puggie37@yahoo.com.

14 and Abused by a Person in a Trusting Position and Authority

I received a phone call last night from my daughter and grandson. A friend of his at school had confided in him that she had been abused a year ago by a leader in her church. She was 14 at the time. Immediately, the tears came because I was the same age when I also was abused by my seminary teacher. I could relate too well to the feelings she might be experiencing. I asked a lot of questions so I could get a feeling for where she was coming from. My daughter told her about my book, and she was interested in reading it. Their family copy was with one of the older children while he reads it. I told my daughter I'd be happy to give the girl a book.

I spoke with my grandson at length because I didn't want him to feel like he needed to try to fix things for her. I assured him that this deserved professional counseling which she is supposedly receiving. I told him he must have a special relationship with her for her to reveal such inner feelings to him. I would think the first place she would go would be to a girl friend. To confide in a boy, to me, means she has a lot of confidence in my grandson. He is a sweetheart, but I'm also concerned about him. I don't want to see him get involved in a relationship that could create close feelings based on rescuing rather than friendship. That can and does happen too frequently.

I'm also concerned about her relationship with her parents. Are they supportive of her? I hope so. She certainly doesn't need to be receiving any judgments at this fragile time in her life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I hear about more and more abuse. The good news is that she is not keeping it secret which only serves to protect the perpetrator. I asked about the 30-year-old man who did the abusing. Was there any civil action being taken, and thank goodness there is. I asked about church actions but no one knew the answer.

This has been on my mind all day. My book is a bit heavy for a 15-year-old, so I told my daughter to advise her not to read it from beginning to end. The first two chapters are more in story-line. And the counseling years might prove valuable for her. The rest, she could just thumb through and stop wherever her heart tells her. I'm sure there is much there that will assist her. I just don't want her to get too much too soon. It might also be good for her parents to read the book and the leaders in her church.

I just feel so sad that another soul has to deal with such trauma. And it is traumatic! It may well affect every aspect of her life for who knows how long - maybe for her entire lifetime. And all because someone thought he had the right and he couldn't control his own urges. I watch Law and Order Criminal Intent - Special Victims Unit because it's usually about sexual abuse. I don't think we even begin to know the horrors of what happens out there on a daily basis. I so much want this to stop, and I desire to be there for those who have gone through such heinous experiences. Fourteen is much, much too young to be experiencing such things. A fourteen-year-old just doesn't have the social skills and knowledge to know what impact this can have on her life. But a thirty-year-old definitely does, and he deserves to pay for ruining this young girl's life.

Speak - Lifetime Movie Network movie

I watched Speak this week because in the explanation of the movie it spoke of a teenage rape. The girl went to a party with her friends. She was totally into the party, having a great time, and felt very free. An older boy showered her with attention. They danced, and he kissed her. Then he led her outside and kissed her some more while leading her to his car. The kissing continued momentarily inside the car, and then he began pressing her for more. When she said no, he pressed his hand tightly over her mouth so her screams couldn't be heard and continued with his assault.

Afterward, she is shown walking barefoot, bedraggled, horrified, and sad. She goes home by herself and tells no one. At school the following year, she is a very depressed and sad soul. Soon her friends leave her, and others make fun of her. She goes from being a good student to getting D grades. Her parents are shocked and alarmed at her behavior, but they don't really listen to her. They just want her to be her old self. She is no longer included in any activities in or out of school. She is a loner and a failure. Her art teacher is the only one who really tries to reach down into her inner feelings. She chose a tree as her object for the year. She does different kinds of trees and eventually starts noticing trees in nature. She improves in art. Meanwhile, she discovers a hidden alcove behind a storage closet. This becomes her safe haven and her place to escape. Her only ally is her lab partner and a new girl at school. The new girl eventually tells her she can't be around her any longer because she drags her down. She suggests she get some professional help. 

Her X-good friend, begins dating the boy who assaulted her. After about three months, the victim writes on the X-friend's notebook that she was raped. Her friend runs outside with her and asks why she didn't tell her? She is totally supportive until she asks and finds out who the rapist was. She runs back inside the building calling the victim a liar and says she's jealous. However, the X-friend begins to see things in her boyfriend that concern her. She begins to ask questions, and the boy runs from her calling her a Bitch. Toward the end, he finds his victim in her safe place and starts again to attack her. The X-friend had told others about the rape. When the victim's screams are heard, several girls come to the rescue and tell the boy they know what he did. The boy is removed and the girl is taken to the hospital for stitches. Her mother talks to her on the way home and asks if she wants to talk. The girl says she does.

Two things stuck out to me. One, the victim kept trying to make herself talk. She would say in her mind: Say this....etc. But she could never get the words out. I was the same way. Several of my family thought I was a sulker, but in reality, I could not put voice to the words inside me. They choked in my throat. I wasn't able to vocalize my inner thoughts and feelings. Second, the tree girl, had decorated her safe place with all the trees she had made and painted during the year. The art teacher was leaving because he wasn't appreciated (while he was the only one reaching students). The last day of school, she leaves her lab partner who has just invited her to a party that evening (and she accepts) to run back to show her teacher her safe place. He was totally thrilled and tears indicated how touched he was. What a great teacher. Lessons weren't the important thing to him - students were. It reminded me of Dead Poets' Society and Robin Williams leaving his classroom for the last time. Why do we sometimes lose the great teachers and keep those that live within the box and never reach inside and touch the students?

At any rate, I could relate to this raped girl. Her whole countenance went from one of being outgoing, happy, free, spontaneous, to one of total depression, sadness, and feeling worthless. Isn't it sad what a perpetrator can cause just because he thinks what he wants is more important than ruining someone's life. I truly wish they could feel and experience what their victims go through. A movie worth watching.

What The Pope Knew. A CNN Special Investigation

Kelly Clark, an attorney for the sexual abused in OR sent this today. The link is: http://www.mormonabuse.com/sex-abuse-news-of-interest/what-the-pope-knew.a-cnn-special-investigation/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+SurvivorsOfMormonSexAbuse+(Survivors+of+Mormon+Sex+Abuse)

This is a CNN Special Investigation concerning some of the most notorious pedophile priest cases in the US. The reporter, Gary Tuchman, discovered when the Pope was a Cardinal,and was responsible for the handling of the cases, he opposed or slowed down the defrocking of some convicted child molesters.

The program will air Saturday, September 25 at 8:00pm ET. Some parts will be available on CNN.com. Kelly Clark's areas of practice are: Mormon Abuse, Catholic Abuse, Boy Scout Abuse, School and Other Youth Programs.