Stop Sexual Abuse! Prevent Sexual Abuse!

Today my heart was wrenched once again for those who have suffered deeply because of sexual abuse. A lady approached me while I was at the pool. We have chatted briefly before. She told me about the three Anderson girls who had been sexually abused by their father before it became public knowledge. She knew them personally.

Today was another story. Her sister lost her husband and was left with four smaller children. A man, who apparently had read the obituary, contacted her later. They became friends and eventually were married. He had lost his wife and was left with three children. She thought he was being so considerate when he encouraged her to go on a vacation with her sisters. He would tend all of the children and give the mothers a break. They thought he was a very thoughtful husband and father. It would be some time later that they discovered the subterfuge. He was in fact a pedophile. None of the family knew that at the time, however.

Years passed, and his dark deeds became known. The children were in counseling, but one nephew was having a very difficult time still. His life was difficult. And for a very good reason. His very life had been stolen from him. Who he could have become had been murdered. When he could no longer endure the inner pain, anxiety, fears, feelings of being unsafe, unworthy, flawed, shamed, and unlovable that constantly haunted him, he took his life to end it all.

Tears came to my eyes. I knew so well what he had felt. My heart throbbed with the pain of it all. He had been so innocent and pure, and then it was all shattered in a moment when someone else thought his pleasures were tantamount to anything else. This young boy lost all control of his life and what his life might have become. His innocence was taken and his soul murdered. I also knew days when I wanted to be disintegrated so my chattering mind could no longer have access to me and cause me such grief and turmoil.

It's so difficult to talk about such things. And looking back, it's a more adult mindset that's trying to deal with what happened when we were younger and didn't have the reasoning ability of an adult - even an immature teenage adult. I wrote in an email this week to my daughter after having been there for her daughter's 14th birthday and then a month later for her 12-year-old's birthday:

"I looked at her standing there afterward, and realizing she was 14 – the age I was when the seminary teacher crossed over the line and started abusing me. As I looked at her, I realized for the first time, that I was not an adult as I always feel and picture myself and have been so critical of myself. Perhaps a lot of that is due to the fact that the bishop made me get up in fast and testimony meeting and ask for forgiveness. That was such a scary thing to do, and then later on to know that the seminary teacher went from being seminary principal to being principal of B. High School. And what was my claim to fame? I thought I had lost my exaltation, and I just wanted to become extinct so there would be no part of me left. Unhealthy beliefs create stress in our bodies, shift our cells into self-protection mode, and kick our autonomic nervous system into fight or flight mode and make us sick. These destructive beliefs I had, distorted my life, and caused me to live in self-destructive ways while continuing to create stress in my body that eventually led to illness and disease. I now know and understand that if we do something we believe is wrong on a conscious level (like me with the seminary teacher  – I was old enough to know it was wrong so it was my own fault), but it’s because we have an unconscious belief that overrides our values. I felt like I was flawed, unlovable, worthless, bad, not good enough, unforgivable, and would never, never, never be forgiven. But the need for love – even counterfeit as it was – was so great that it overrode the values that I had been taught and knew.

"Then there was the second birthday. That was even more shocking/enlightening to me. I looked at her so pure and innocent and loving, and then realized she was 12 years old. That was the same age I was when the lifeguard started raping me. Not until that very moment had I ever realized how truly young I was. I was in no way an adult, but that’s the way I always felt about myself – like I should have been able to make adult like decisions. Even when I went to the 21 year old girl also working at the resort to tell her what was happening to me, she didn’t believe me and told the lifeguard what I had said. How did I ever even have the courage to tell her? And, of course, the lifeguard came back to me and threatened me if I ever told anyone again – all the while he kept abusing me. And I didn’t tell until I told the seminary teacher two years later. I came home from your daughter's birthday and cried - cried for that little girl (me) who was so afraid, who didn’t understand what (or why) was happening to her, and had no idea of how to stop it. With my adult perspective now, I know if I had gone to my boss and told him what was happening, he would have fired the lifeguard, and he would have protected me. He always treated me special, and I lapped up that kind of attention like a love-starved puppy.

"With your two daughters’ birthdays fresh on my mind, I have a visual like I’ve never had before. I think I knew in my head that I wasn’t an adult, but the picture inside was that I was and had the ability to make adult-like decisions. I now realize I wasn't an adult, and I didn’t have the maturity or the perception of how to deal with such adult-like things happening in my life. And then to feel for most of my life that because these things happened to me, that I was unworthy before God and that because they did happen to me, that he truly didn't love me, and I truly was not lovable. It has always been difficult for me to really take love in because I always have walls up to protect me from perceived/unperceived attacks so I don’t get hurt further. What a learning experience this has been. In order to survive, I created a false image, a false persona  that would be acceptable to the public. But it truly was not who I was. Thank goodness for the impact training where the head trainer literally cracked open that false persona. I didn’t understand it at the time and felt like he just hated me. But in hindsight, I see that he really gave me back my true self. Then my new boss at the synagogue was there to help rebuild me and help me heal. It was the first experience I had ever had with unconditional love. When he died, I felt like I couldn’t go on living because there was no one who would treat me that way again. But I have come to know and feel his presence even though I can't actually see him. I know and recognize his energy. That has been a saving grace for me."

But what about the above young man? He obviously didn't feel the love that I felt. I know I felt so miserable for so many years. Thoughts of suicide had come to me several times, but my spirit couldn't accept that. And when I prayed, I received the confirmation that I could heal myself. So now I have the knowledge and the wisdom that has brought salvation to my soul, and I am denouncing those who sexually abuse others. I am passionate about your getting help to set you free from damaging the lives of others and bringing lower vibrational frequencies into your life that will not serve you.

I stand for truth and love. I stand for putting an end to sexual abuse and all that it perpetrates. I feel to shout from the rooftops: Stop sexual abuse! Set the captives free! If any of you out there feel as I do, join with me in making a difference. And to the survivors of abuse, please know that there is someone here who does care, who understands, who has walked your road, and I am there for you. You can be freed from your terror, anxiety, fears, and turmoil. There is hope. I have been where you are, and I now have taken the journey into the heart and soul where peace is possible. Come and join with me. I send you all love and light. Please know that love is the greatest power there is. I'm not talking about a mere emotion. I am talking about an energetic field that has the ability to raise us all. Some scientists are even calling the field the mind of God. But you don't have to believe or accept God. The field is still there, and it can en"lighten" you and bring you peace.

 I can be reached at: puggie37@yahoo.com

http://www.freepublicitygroup.com/release_janice_weinheimer.html