My back went out, and I've spent more time lying flat on the bed or floor than I would like. However, while there, I've done a lot of pondering. I started thinking about the false self I created and lived as through most of my life. In fact, I thought I was this false self. The false self was based on pleasing others - especially my family early on. I recall always feeling like we had to protect the family name and reputation at all costs. I was led to believe that who I was was based upon what I could do, what I could achieve, what I could own and earn, how much I knew and especially whether I knew church doctrine and could espouse it to others.
I became an over-achiever because on the inside I never felt good about myself. It was always: if I could just do better, be better, accomplish more, etc., I would be acceptable to family, friends, and others. But I could never be perfect enough to achieve the status that I desired. In school, I desired to be the best even though I was far from being the smartest kid. I studied every night until about 2 am and was up around 5:30 studying (this was in high school). My mother would sometimes climb the stairs and tell me to go to bed, but I just couldn't. You see, I had set myself a goal of becoming valedictorian. Why? Because at my brother's graduation, I watched as the valedictorian gave her address, and it seemed everyone looked up to her and admired her. I tried to be the best seamstress - mostly self-taught and eventually became a professional seamstress working for a designer shop that did a lot of garments for NY designers and models. I made all my daughters' wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, husband and sons' tuxes. I also got involved in catering somewhat and so did all the foods for the wedding receptions and dinners.
After my first book was published, I became a popular speaker and never turned anything down. I spoke 4 and 5 times a week and wore myself out traveling and speaking. I was in the limelight a lot and received a lot of accolades, but they were like Band-aides and didn't last very long and then I needed another "fix". I didn't know how to live any other way. I used to explain my feelings like report card grades. Everyone else received A's or A+ while I received F's. I used to feel if I did everything I knew how to do, if I was perfect in all ways, that I might be able to get my grades to a D-. My husband could not believe I felt that way. He told me others looked up to me and admired me, but I never knew that inside and I never felt it. I felt so worthless, but I kept on working on being perfect and trying to grow to where I was acceptable to God, but it never happened.
The person I presented publicly had nothing to do with the real me, and yet I believed I was this counterfeit persona that I had created. When I took some Impact Training, I got in touch with the "real me" on the inside - the authentic self. I began to realize I didn't have to work at being a better person. I only had to go inside and just be the person I am. What an amazing discovery that was! But it didn't happen overnight. It has taken a lot of years for me to get to "know" me, to accept me, and to give up "trying" to become perfect. I already am perfect on the inside. I just have to get in touch with who I really am.
Can you imagine the freedom when we come to realize that we truly are connected with God (universe, higher power, Source, whatever you call it), and that he accepts us just as we are. I nearly killed myself working so hard to be perfect, to be a better person, to be who I thought I should be. Now I don't think about it or work at it. I do things because that's who I am not because I think I should. I'm still very busy and active, but I do things as I am moved to do them. I trust that God will show me the way. Above all, I feel and know that it's okay. I am no longer controlled by outside influences. I am free to just be me!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Unfinished Business, Psychological Stress, and Physical Pain
Yesterday afternoon I bent over to pick up something off the floor and couldn't stand up straight. My back went "out" that quickly. I have a history of back problems, but I haven't had a problem recently because I faithfully swim almost every day and do back exercises daily plus Egoscue exercises. Egoscue will be a blog on another day.
I've pondered about a lot of things I've learned in the past. Dr. John Sarno has books on Healing Back Pain. In there he talks about working on people's backs for 17 years. He began to see a trend. When he assisted in healing the pain in one area, it would just crop out in another part of the back. He determined that the pain was more psychological and until his patients dealt with the underlying causes, they wouldn't heal permanently. I recommend his books to any of you who may be hurting in that way. I also thought about maybe my body was just calling out for a rest. I believe there are no accidents when things like this happen. I believe we have created the energy that calls these things forth.
I also thought about some lessons I learned from Dr. Norm Shealy - a medical doctor who uses a lot of alternative techniques. He has his own clinic with some of these things built in. I had listened to some tapes of his and Dr. Carolyn Myss on becoming your own medical intuitive. In those tapes, Dr. Shealy discussed what he called "unfinished business". This had to do with four different things: anger, guilt, anxiety, depression. So when I have a painful episode, I begin to wonder which of these four is involved because they cause psychological stress which in turn creates physical pain in the body. We were taught to try to get a visual picture of what was going on in the area of the pain.
I had been dealing with a lot of hip joint pain. The visual I got was one of a wolf gnawing on my hipbone. When I focused in on that, I didn't get a "knowing" feeling with guilt, anxiety, or depression, but I did with anger. This really surprised me because I didn't feel I really got angry. But then my third therapist taught me that anger is really just a secondary emotion. Buried beneath that anger is all the hurt and pain that we have stuffed. Stuffed emotions can cause a lot of pain as well as added weight.
These are some important things to look into when we have pain. Pain is just a sign that something is not right. Taking a pain pill doesn't heal the underlying cause, so it will just return. We really need to go within and find the underlying cause and heal that. It would be worth checking out the links on this one. I still will do the back exercises and swimming. I realize I probably still have some frozen gray energy blobs that deserve to be thawed, cried through and healed. This is just another aspect of the healing journey.
Links: www.healingbackpain.com/ - www.normshealy.com
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Healing with Dr. David Hawkins and Map of Consciousness
Today, I'd like to introduce you to one of my favorite authors and speakers - Dr. David Hawkins. He is a retired psychiatrist who had the largest practice in the country. He had more than 25,000 patients that he treated in a unique approach - multidimensional. Was it effective? So much so that he amazed his peers when he healed their "hopeless" cases and sometimes within seconds.
Dr. Hawkins' premise is that "living in harmony with the environment is normal". Feeling good and being well is normal. Our western culture has adopted "drugs, surgery, or counseling" as their healing modalities. But Dr. Hawkins introduced "consciousness" to healing. My world-renowned accupuncturist, Tao Tan, used to say if it was life threating, opt for western medicine; otherwise stick to eastern culture and their methods to get more lasting results.
Dr. Hawkins wanted his patients involved with their healing journey - which includes physical ailments as well as mental or spiritual challenges. And how about his credentials? For a beginning, he has overcome 27 illnesses of his own. But perhaps his best known tool is his own "scientifically formulated blueprint". For 29 years, Dr. Hawkins worked on a study which indicated the mental state of an individual determined his strength or weakness.
He formulated his study into a scale from 1-1,000 "that mapped human consciousness". He used kinesiology (muscle testing) to demonstrate human strength or weakness. This system has also been used to establish truth from falsity.
The lowest energetic level on his map was being a victim - at point 20. That's where I spent the major portion of my life until I became consciously aware. Then I began a slow healing journey up the scale. Fear would constantly send me on a tailspin backwards. Two hundred was the dividing line between the lower and high energies. I desperately desired to dwell above the 200 mark.
During my healing journey, I learned the power behind the mind, body, and spirit connection. I came to understand that the mind could control the body. Migraines were never as debilitating once I learned to use my mind to relax my body. Meditating became a daily habit. I learned to let tears escape and not hold them back because they were healing to many stuffed emotions.
I've heard Dr. Wayne Dyer say "It's not the food you eat that causes problem with your weight. Rather, it's what you believe about the food you eat." I learned that changing my beliefs could bring about healing changes in my body.
I delved into my fears and came to understand they had been established many years earlier when I went through traumatic experiences in my life. Dr. Carolyn Myss and others who can view energy sees these experiences stored up as gray globs in the energetic fields. The feelings don't change until we go to the fields and release these energies.
Just knowing that love, peace, and joy were higher up on the map of consciousness assisted me in realizing I could obtain these levels by letting go of the past, its beliefs and holds on me, and trust that I could achieve these desired goals. I could no longer be content to stay in the box where everything was comfortable because it was well known. I had to have enough courage and trust to push myself beyond my comfort zone. The prizes I desires were awaiting me over the threshold and into a new field. Rupert Sheldrake, the English scientist, calls this morphic resonance and morphic fields.. It is within that parameter that new things happen and change lives. It is a risk, and it is a journey - a healing journey. There is much more about all this in my book: The Illness That Healed Me.
http://www.spiritualteachers.org/david_hawkins.htm
Monday, August 9, 2010
I've been thinking about a friend who was also abused. Her perpetrator was her brother, and she hated what he did to her. When he was about 16, he shot himself right in front of her. The trauma that she experienced has stayed with her most of her life. People who have not been abused have no idea of the far-reaching effects of sexual abuse. Let me share some details of her life.
She was married quite young. She had three beautiful children and lived in in CA. She moved back to UT and got settled in another town and home. It was here she discovered her husband had been on drugs and dealing drugs. He also had another wife and family in CA. When her local church authorities found out, there was a special meeting held. Her in-law parents held her totally responsible for what had happened to their son. The church hierarchy seemed to be all for him and there was nothing left for her. She was devastated. She had no idea what had been going on behind the scenes of her supposedly happy life, marriage, and family.
The after effects of losing her husband and her ideal family, left her with a debilitating illness. After months of trying to get well, she inched forward a step at a time. She began working part time and trying to take care of her now teenage children. She took some training and schooling and got herself a better job. Here she met and married an older gentleman who had just lost his wife. My friend was rescuing him, but she didn't understand that at the time. Every time things got a little bit difficult, he would run back to his own home and grown children. Eventually, his family won out, and the marriage ended.
She tried to snap back and get on her feet again. Eventually another man came into her life. Again it turned out to be a rescuing situation on her part. He gave the appearance of being well-to-do, but in reality was in heavy debt. She had to work to pay for everything and take in his children from a previous marriage on weekends. This marriage didn't work out either. There were too many untruths and too many issues.
So she was on her own again, but she continued to pursue her education and trying to better herself in her work. She took up square dancing and met who she thought was her soul mate. However, he soon fled because he was afraid of commitment. She went back to her square dancing and met someone else. This time she thought she had found the right one for sure. They had a lot of interests together. He was busy taking care of extracurricular work and didn't have a lot of extra time. He used her like a prostitute daily. He had money, but he only was concerned in pursuing his own interests. When she couldn't deal with it any longer, she left him. Even though he had money and had assisted her with her college pursuits, it wasn't enough. She wanted true companionship.
The marriage ended. She continued her degree in another state. After she had graduated in counseling (wouldn't you know), she returned back home. Her children had gotten reacquainted with their drug dealing father, and visited him in FL and then blamed her for all of their problems. She felt like she had lost everything, but she didn't give up. She let her children be where they were and continued on with her own life. She gave them love whenever they would let her. Her first husband committed suicide and she even got blamed for that by her children.
Still undaunted, she followed her career choice and found work and devoted her life to serving others. During this time she met the man of her dreams. She wasn't rescuing this time. He was tall, dark, and handsome and had a good job. They eventually listened to their clergy and got married. Today, she is happier than I have ever seen her. Her children still aren't where she would like them to be, but she has the education to know how to deal with all that. She devotes her life to the elderly and to the women in her church. She is totally happy and fulfilled.
Hers is a difficult story because there is so much sadness. Her neighbors judged her because of all her marriages, but they didn't know the truth. I lived through it with her, and I have the highest respect and regard for her. She lived through terrible circumstances in her life, but by discovering who she truly was, she didn't let her physical circumstances rule or ruin her life. She is an outstanding woman, cheerful, social, loving, compassionate, and beautiful.
She could easily have chosen to be a victim. So many things happened to her over and over. However, she chose instead to take control of her life. She chose not to remain in the low energy created by choosing to be a victim. She let those who judged her be where they were, but she chose to make a difference in and for her life.She chose to move on. She is successful because she took action that brought her results. Her intent was clear, and she went for it. Now she has a blessed life, and she is living her desires.
I love you, Sherrie!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Abused by a Mormon Bishop
Julie was 34 when she told her story publicly. Her roots were four generation Mormon. She was born and raised in the church in a small Utah town. Her abuse had always weighed heavily on her mind. She chose to share in hopes of ending her inner conflicts.
It all began when she was seven. Her father was incarcerated for several instances of drunken driving and wife abuse. Her mother, unable to financially care for her family, turned to the church for assistance. As is common in such cases, her mother was asked to repay by cleaning the church. Julie was assigned to vacuum on Saturdays while her mother worked. Julie had a key to the church, and she was just seven years old.
Other children teased Julie because of her father's situation. This was upsetting to her. One Saturday while vacuuming, a counselor in the bishopric saw her and asked why she was crying. He was very kind, and she responded to his kindness. She trusted this "man of God" who cared about her and told him everything. Her spirit was soaring when she returned home.
The following Saturday, this "man of God" was once again at the church and was very solicitous of Julie's feelings. He held her on his lap and asked how things were going. She responded that she was still being teased. While she spoke, his hand slipped inside her shorts and began exploring. She felt concerned and confused when she returned home that day. She didn't understand but shrugged it off because this was a "man of God".
The abuse continued and progressed to kissing, having her fondle his genitals, and even to attempted penetration. Of course, he used many of the well-known tactics of perpetrators, i.e., he loved her, she was special, she was his own little girl, and she should never tell because that would break promises they had made to each other in the church. It progressed to nude Polaroid pictures. She rationalized it was all okay because this "man of God" conducted meetings and sat on the stand on Sundays. She was even made to feel responsible for the pain of penetration because she didn't relax.
When she turned eight and was preparing for baptism, she was afraid the bishop would find out and wouldn't let her come to church anymore. When she admitted she didn't feel worthy of baptism, he reassured her because she would come up out of the water clean and pure. That comforted her and made her feel "all sparkly and clean" outside and inside.
All of the good feelings were reversed the next days as she sat in a circle of Priesthood men as they laid hands on her head and confirmed her. During the prayer, she opened her eyes and saw her abuser in the circle with his eyes closed.
The following Saturday she wouldn't succumb to his violations, so he forced her. She struggled against his attacks to no avail. He hurt her over and over. As she cried that day, she felt that because of the way this "man of God" treated her, it was a sure sign that God hated her. She felt God had turned his back on her, and she never prayed again.
Her family moved to her maternal grandfather's home in a different town. She vowed to never go to church again, but she had to follow the directives of her family. She felt like a "liar and a cheat--dishonest and dirty and above all unworthy. At age nine, two paternal uncles molested her. She was threatened, and she told no one.
Finally when she turned 28, she confided to her paternal grandmother about the abuse from her uncles. One of the uncles used to have sex with her at the cemetery in front of his friends. When her grandmother confronted him, he broke into her home while her husband was away, and with a knife at her throat beat her and raped her. Neighbors heard her screams but didn't report it or come to her aid. She wasn't taken to the police but rather to the bishop.
She and her husband and two-year-old son moved out of state. She had anxiety attacks when she attended church. She wondered why she couldn't feel at peace there as others did. She immersed herself in religious study to find comfort. The "loss of chastity" gave her grave concerns, and she made an appointment with the bishop. He reassured her - "It isn't your fault. You are forgiven." She was told a book on forgiveness by her favorite prophet was outdated. She was even more confused. The bishop continued to work with her and to reassure her, but the panic attacks and anxiety at church continued. The bishop didn't feel she was diligent enough in her study of the Book of Mormon. She was assured God would comfort her if she truly sought it. When she confided the abuse at age seven and eight, the bishop withdrew his support and told her he couldn't help her until she got professional help. He no longer answered her calls. Julie became suicidal because she deeply felt if the bishop couldn't love and accept her, neither could God. She and her husband asked to have their names removed from church records, but no official document was ever received.
Her family was not cordial to their leaving the church. Sometimes she misses the church and family fellowship, but she still has the shame. She carries the heavy burden of abuse by a "man of God" even though with professional help, she has been able to put the uncles' abuse into a "proper place" and go on with life. But the "man of God" stuff is too heavy for her to deal with alone. And she "doesn't know how to resolve it". So she carries the "poison" around inside her.
Oh, my gosh! How I resonate with Julie. I carried the burden of my abuse around with me like a 100 pound bag of cement. I was always weighed down and didn't know how to get out from under it. My counseling helped, but it was really the impact training and the following years of healing that broke me lose. A child puts faith and trust in a "man of God" and when that is circumscribed, the child doesn't have the filter to deal with it. The hurt, the pain, the internal agony is not definitive. And men, who use their power, their size, their "man of God" image to fill their own perverted needs are beyond understanding.
Have any of you out there felt such feelings? Are you open to sharing and healing together? Let us hear from you. I will answer all emails.
From my heart to yours - hugs and love!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Forcible Sexual Abuse in my Own Town
It all began--well at least the public portion--on July 21, 2009. A 37-year-old seminary principal listened to the formal charges against him for sexually abusing one of his 16-year-old students. (Link: http://www.aboms.com/archives/011725.html)
On February 17, 2010, Michael Pratt, former Seminary Principal of Lone Peak High School Seminary pleaded not guilty to 15 felony charges involving sexual abuse of his student. (Link: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700009881/No-trial-delay-for-former-Lone-Peak-seminary-principal-Michael-Pratt.html)
However, on June 2, 2010, he pleaded guilty in the sex case rather than go to trial. Two counts of object rape and one count of forcible sodomy are first degree felonies. One count of forcible sexual abuse carries a second-degree feelony. (Link: http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/article_b6f87dd8-6d97-11df-9f44-001cc4c03286.html)
A plea deal was given to Pratt whereby his charges could run concurrently. Minimum time to be served would be six years with maximum being life in prison. But minimum time has a way of being reduced greatly - say two years.
What about the victim? She stated that it has interrupted nearly every facet of her life. (Link: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700036659/Ex-seminary-principal-Michael-Pratt-pleads-guilty-in-sex-case.html). Right now she does not have a real clue of the long-term effect this will have on her life. I doubt her family has any idea of the depths this trauma will take. It is my experience that every aspect of her life will be impacted. She didn't graduate with her class, but that is only a beginning.
I went to a sentencing hearing in March this year (which got postponed). I was disappointed because I really wanted to see some action taken. Why? I experienced some of the same things when I was a young teenager. My seminary teacher-principal also abused me from age 14 to 16. Like this girl, I was accused of knowing better and could have stopped it. They just didn't know my history which involved sexual abuse as a child and as a 12-year-old. You learn to dissociate early on when your free agency has been taken from you, and "no" is never an option.
I was shocked and dismayed to see a repeat of my own experience occur so close to home. I actually went to the hearing because I felt it might assist me in healing my own old wounds. I was actually shocked to see the media out in the hallway afterward awaiting Michael's approach. They treated him as a celebrity instead of a perpetrator. I went home and cried and then I wrote an email to the newspaper which they totally ignored. But at least I told them how I felt.
On August 31, there is supposed to be a sentencing in the case by a judge, but until then Michael is out free on bail. (Link: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=10994731&nid=148) It makes me wonder what the perpetrator is out doing. Back in my day, my teacher was not tried nor sentenced. Instead, he went from being a seminary principal to being a high school principal in a close-by town. Meanwhile, I was asked by clergy to stand in a public meeting and ask for forgiveness of the congregation. I carried the sting of that day for over 50 years until a daughter with a degree in counseling said: "Forgiveness for what? For being abused?" Until that moment, I thought I was the perpetrator.
I plan to attend the sentencing the end of this month. Hopefully, it will bring some closure for me.
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