Abused by a Mormon Bishop

Julie was 34 when she told her story publicly. Her roots were four generation Mormon. She was born and raised in the church in a small Utah town. Her abuse had always weighed heavily on her mind. She chose to share in hopes of ending her inner conflicts.

It all began when she was seven. Her father was incarcerated for several instances of drunken driving and wife abuse. Her mother, unable to financially care for her family, turned to the church for assistance. As is common in such cases, her mother was asked to repay by cleaning the church. Julie was assigned to vacuum on Saturdays while her mother worked. Julie had a key to the church, and she was just seven years old.

Other children teased Julie because of her father's situation. This was upsetting to her. One Saturday while vacuuming, a counselor in the bishopric saw her and asked why she was crying. He was very kind, and she responded to his kindness. She trusted this "man of God" who cared about her and told him everything. Her spirit was soaring when she returned home.

The following Saturday, this "man of God" was once again at the church and was very solicitous of Julie's feelings. He held her on his lap and asked how things were going. She responded that she was still being teased. While she spoke, his hand slipped inside her shorts and began exploring. She felt concerned and confused when she returned home that day. She didn't understand but shrugged it off because this was a "man of God".

The abuse continued and progressed to kissing, having her fondle his genitals, and even to attempted penetration. Of course, he used many of the well-known tactics of perpetrators, i.e., he loved her, she was special, she was his own little girl, and she should never tell because that would break promises they had made to each other in the church. It progressed to nude Polaroid pictures. She rationalized it was all okay because this "man of God" conducted meetings and sat on the stand on Sundays. She was even made to feel responsible for the pain of penetration because she didn't relax.

When she turned eight and was preparing for baptism, she was afraid the bishop would find out and wouldn't let her come to church anymore. When she admitted she didn't feel worthy of baptism, he reassured her because she would come up out of the water clean and pure. That comforted her and made her feel "all sparkly and clean" outside and inside.

All of the good feelings were reversed the next days as she sat in a circle of Priesthood men as they laid hands on her head and confirmed her. During the prayer, she opened her eyes and saw her abuser in the circle with his eyes closed.

The following Saturday she wouldn't succumb to his violations, so he forced her. She struggled against his attacks to no avail. He hurt her over and over. As she cried that day, she felt that because of the way this "man of God" treated her, it was a sure sign that God hated her. She felt God had turned his back on her, and she never prayed again.

Her family moved to her maternal grandfather's home in a different town. She vowed to never go to church again, but she had to follow the directives of her family. She felt like a "liar and a cheat--dishonest and dirty and above all unworthy. At age nine, two paternal uncles molested her. She was threatened, and she told no one.

Finally when she turned 28, she confided to her paternal grandmother about the abuse from her uncles. One of the uncles used to have sex with her at the cemetery in front of his friends. When her grandmother confronted him, he broke into her home while her husband was away, and with a knife at her throat beat her and raped her. Neighbors heard her screams but didn't report it or come to her aid. She wasn't taken to the police but rather to the bishop.

She and her husband and two-year-old son moved out of state. She had anxiety attacks when she attended church. She wondered why she couldn't feel at peace there as others did. She immersed herself in religious study to find comfort. The "loss of chastity" gave her grave concerns, and she made an appointment with the bishop. He reassured her - "It isn't your fault. You are forgiven." She was told a book on forgiveness by her favorite prophet was outdated. She was even more confused. The bishop continued to work with her and to reassure her, but the panic attacks and anxiety at church continued. The bishop didn't feel she was diligent enough in her study of the Book of Mormon. She was assured God would comfort her if she truly sought it. When she confided the abuse at age seven and eight, the bishop withdrew his support and told her he couldn't help her until she got professional help. He no longer answered her calls. Julie became suicidal because she deeply felt if the bishop couldn't love and accept her, neither could God. She and her husband asked to have their names removed from church records, but no official document was ever received.

Her family was not cordial to their leaving the church. Sometimes she misses the church and family fellowship, but she still has the shame. She carries the heavy burden of abuse by a "man of God" even though with professional help, she has been able to put the uncles' abuse into a "proper place" and go on with life. But the "man of God" stuff is too heavy for her to deal with alone. And she "doesn't know how to resolve it". So she carries the "poison" around inside her.

Oh, my gosh! How I resonate with Julie. I carried the burden of my abuse around with me like a 100 pound bag of cement. I was always weighed down and didn't know how to get out from under it. My counseling helped, but it was really the impact training and the following years of healing that broke me lose. A child puts faith and trust in a "man of God" and when that is circumscribed, the child doesn't have the filter to deal with it. The hurt, the pain, the internal agony is not definitive. And men, who use their power, their size, their "man of God" image to fill their own perverted needs are beyond understanding.

Have any of you out there felt such feelings? Are you open to sharing and healing together? Let us hear from you. I will answer all emails.

From my heart to yours - hugs and love!

Link: http://www.exmormon.org/whylft61.htm