Your False Self versus your Authentic Self and Perfectionism

My back went out, and I've spent more time lying flat on the bed or floor than I would like. However, while there, I've done a lot of pondering. I started thinking about the false self I created and lived as through most of my life. In fact, I thought I was this false self. The false self was based on pleasing others - especially my family early on. I recall always feeling like we had to protect the family name and reputation at all costs. I was led to believe that who I was was based upon what I could do, what I could achieve, what I could own and earn, how much I knew and especially whether I knew church doctrine and could espouse it to others.

I became an over-achiever because on the inside I never felt good about myself. It was always: if I could just do better, be better, accomplish more, etc., I would be acceptable to family, friends, and others. But I could never be perfect enough to achieve the status that I desired. In school, I desired to be the best even though I was far from being the smartest kid. I studied every night until about 2 am and was up around 5:30 studying (this was in high school). My mother would sometimes climb the stairs and tell me to go to bed, but I just couldn't. You see, I had set myself a goal of becoming valedictorian. Why? Because at my brother's graduation, I watched as the valedictorian gave her address, and it seemed everyone looked up to her and admired her. I tried to be the best seamstress - mostly self-taught and eventually became a professional seamstress working for a designer shop that did a lot of garments for NY designers and models. I made all my daughters' wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, husband and sons' tuxes. I also got involved in catering somewhat and so did all the foods for the wedding receptions and dinners.

After my first book was published, I became a popular speaker and never turned anything down. I spoke 4 and 5 times a week and wore myself out traveling and speaking. I was in the limelight a lot and received a lot of accolades, but they were like Band-aides and didn't last very long and then I needed another "fix". I didn't know how to live any other way. I used to explain my feelings like report card grades. Everyone else received A's or A+ while I received F's. I used to feel if I did everything I knew how to do, if I was perfect in all ways, that I might be able to get my grades to a D-. My husband could not believe I felt that way. He told me others looked up to me and admired me, but I never knew that inside and I never felt it. I felt so worthless, but I kept on working on being perfect and trying to grow to where I was acceptable to God, but it never happened.

The person I presented publicly had nothing to do with the real me, and yet I believed I was this counterfeit persona that I had created. When I took some Impact Training, I got in touch with the "real me" on the inside - the authentic self. I began to realize I didn't have to work at being a better person. I only had to go inside and just be the person I am. What an amazing discovery that was! But it didn't happen overnight. It has taken a lot of years for me to get to "know" me, to accept me, and to give up "trying" to become perfect. I already am perfect on the inside. I just have to get in touch with who I really am.

Can you imagine the freedom when we come to realize that we truly are connected with God (universe, higher power, Source, whatever you call it), and that he accepts us just as we are. I nearly killed myself working so hard to be perfect, to be a better person, to be who I thought I should be. Now I don't think about it or work at it. I do things because that's who I am not because I think I should. I'm still very busy and active, but I do things as I am moved to do them. I trust that God will show me the way. Above all, I feel and know that it's okay. I am no longer controlled by outside influences. I am free to just be me!