Sunset and Birds

September 11, 2010

My recliner chair looked so inviting, and I really wanted to relax. As I went to sit down, my eyes were drawn to the west and the French doors. I looked out and could see through the trees that the sun was setting. I felt an inner pull to go out and watch the sunset. I looked longingly at my chair, but the feeling persisted. I went out on the patio. As I opened the door, I heard the sound of rushing – like water or birds, but it couldn’t be either as there were just homes surrounding us. I started to watch the sunset.

I had been given a gift several years ago while doing some impact training. We were assigned to get up early, be amongst the trees, and watch the sunrise. During this experience, I witnessed the aura of the sun. It was such a splash of colors so intense like I had never experienced before. The purples, midnight blues, magentas, pinks, gold, yellow, and the sun itself became a swirling emerald green ball. Ever since this experience, when I look at the sun (no matter what hour of the day), I see this scene. The darker hues come right at me like a funnel, and then there are strands of intense light in the funnel. I can watch the sun during the day without any harm to my eyes because of what I see.

I focused on the sunset momentarily, but the rushing sound became more intense and then I heard sounds like chirping, but it was muffled. Then from behind the trees on the south side of the street, came a whole cloud of birds. They flew toward me and then headed east. There literally were hundreds upon hundreds of birds. I watched them fly away and then became aware of electrical wires up high. The top one was filled almost completely with birds as far as I could see in either direction.

I turned back to the sun, but the noise of rushing and chirping once again drew my eyes to the south. Another full cloud of birds came rushing forward. A few birds flew to the top wire and found a place on the line. Again, there were hundreds of birds, and they turned to the east and flew away.

This was repeated for about 15 minutes. There were literally thousands upon thousands of birds that came out of nowhere and then flew east. Tears welled up in my eyes and caressed my cheeks. I had never witnessed such a sight before. I had heard birds chirping before sunrise – especially in the summer, but I had never heard the rushing sound as thousands of birds were chirping and singing together. Their flying made a huge fluttering sound as they thronged the sky like huge swirling clouds.

When the last ones flew away, they were joined by all but 10 birds on the wire who remained right in front of me. What did all this mean? Why was I a witness to it? The answer seemed to come from within. They represented the thousands upon thousands of women that were hungering for healing from sexual abuse. I reflected upon the many, many times I had been impressed that tens of thousands of women were waiting for my healing words in my book.

My book took 20 years to write. I hadn’t wanted to do it and several times quit writing. I doubted and wondered who I was that I could influence anyone. And yet Kent (my third therapist) had said that I had read and studied so much that I had the equivalent of a Ph.D. in counseling – I just didn’t have the pigskin. But, he said that I had something even better – the experience. Those words had brought reassurance as I sat with notebook and pencil in hand and waited for God’s words to come to me. That was how my book was written. I just showed up and prayed and waited until I felt what I should write.

Since the book has come out, I have had many moments of doubting. I had put an email address on the book jacket so I could be contacted. I had retired and planned to devote the rest of my life to assisting the abused to heal. I have had a few emails, and I was able to send healing words back. My daughter told me to just trust (something that has been an issue every since being abused) as I am not seeing the big picture. So I’m trusting and just waiting and surrendering to God’s will.

I still have my moments of doubts, but since witnessing the miracle of the birds along with the sunset, I just recall the experience and surrender once again. I desire so much to serve those who are questioning, hurting, not understanding, and feeling shamed and worthless. I desire to be able to lift and motivate others as I am now.

The name of my book is: The Illness That Healed Me: An Account of Surviving Sexual Abuse and the Journey into Healing. My website is: www.janiceweinheimer.com