Child Sexual Abuse

An innocent little three-year-old. Is she happy? Is she scared? Is she timid? What has happened to change her normally bright, happy, playful countenance to one that is contained, withdrawn, and fearful? Her freedoms were taken from her, when a family member began sexually abusing her at this very stage in her life. It robbed her of her innocence, her mobility, her happy heart. Instead she carries a wall around her heart to try to prevent all the sadness and pain  and to protect her.

Her life is forever changed. She will create a persona of protection until she no longer knows who she really is. It won’t be until she is in her sixties that she will be able to awake and discover the happy child she once was.

The energy she now carries with her seems to attract other sexual perpetrators, and so she goes through several other sexual assaults while dissociating so she doesn’t have to really feel the experiences. Dissociate means she’s there physically but not emotionally

She repressed the assaults that occurred when she was a child, but always remembered the lifeguard who repeatedly raped her at age 12 and her religion teacher and church leader who “used” her when she was 14-15. She didn’t realize she had lost the ability to say “no” when her free agency was taken from her at such a young age. She just thought she was “bad”. On the outside, she appeared to be a winner as she excelled in everything she did. On the inside, she felt she was a loser and no amount of trying to be perfect could ever erase those feelings.

She went on to graduate from college at age 20, had eight children by the time she was 28—including two sets of twins and a set of triplets born in 4 years. (That’s right—7 children age 4 and under.) She later added a ninth child, another singleton, at age 32. Her life was a zoo trying to feed, clothe, and take care of all the physical needs of her large family.

Holly Kearl, author of Stop Street Harassment, speaking against sexual abuse

She became an accomplished speaker and author, but no achievements ever changed the feelings of hopelessness on the inside until the flashbacks came of her childhood abuse and she sought professional help to get her life  back on track. That took hundreds of hours, research, diligence in how to heal, and working through a lifetime of sorrows and heartaches.

Many who have been sexually abused have similar feelings and really don’t understand what is wrong with them. They feel like they are going out of their minds, that everything is hopeless because it feels so hopeless. They seem to attempt to be perfect so they can be acceptable. Problem is, it just doesn’t work. The underlying feelings don’t change no matter how perfect they try to be.

Notice the same picture of the little child in Holly Kearl's poster. Holly is very vocal about standing up for women's rights. Check out her website and blogs. There are many. Just Google Holly Kearl and read as she is the stop street harassment expert. The poster is one Holly used in Washington D.C. as she walked for sexual abuse survivors.

Holly is my granddaughter. The picture she carries on her poster is the one at the top of this article, and it is my own picture. I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

North Country - a movie about rape and sexual harassment

Original Poster

In 1989, Josey (played in the movieNorth Country by Charlize Theron) rescues herself and her two children, Sam and Karen, after being brutally beaten by her husband. She goes to her parents' home in a small mining town in Northern Minnesota. Her father is disgusted with her and still ashamed after she became pregnant at age 16 and he called her a whore as did the town. Because of her past reputation, Josey is not accepted by the townspeople. She gets a job as a hairdresser until she meets the Dodges who befriend her. The wife, Glory, works at the iron mines and she assists Josey in getting a job there also. They also take Josey and her children in because Josey's father makes it unbearable for her to live at home. He also works at the mine.

Josey makes friends with the other female workers, but she soon becomes the target of sexual harassment from some of the men. Josey reports the abuse to management which results in all the women being sexually harassed. Josie has an especially difficult time with a former boyfriend who is always harassing her. She is made to do things that others don't have to do - even things that are endangering to her life.

Josey refuses to give in to the harassment, but the men just spread lies about her and even make it more difficult for her at the mines.  Her father continues to believe the worst of Josey and even her son begins to believe the lies as well as the men's wives. After one vicious assault by her former boyfriend, Josie tries to report it to management but the board of directors refuses to hear her complaints about the way women are treated at the mine. Totally dejected, she quits even though she needs the job to get her independence. She asks a lawyer friend to help her bring a suit against the company. At first he refuses, but then relents and requests she get the other women to back up her accusations in court. Josie visits the women to gain their approval, but they are too afraid of risking their jobs and refuse.

Her father, once again, is upset with her. Her mother, however, brings her money because Josey is no longer employed. Josey doesn't give up, however, and the court case begins. During the trial, she tells of how her favorite high school teacher raped her when she was 16. She had never told anyone, and everyone just thought she was promiscuous--especially her father. However, he does a turnabout when he hears the truth and tries to beat up the teacher in the court room. Her former boyfriend lies in court and says the assault never took place. After severe questioning by her attorney, Bobby finally gives in and tells the truth that he heard Josey screaming and saw through the window in the door what was happening, but he just left. He asked: What could I do?

Josey's one friend she has lived with has Lou Gehrig's Disease and is dying. She comes to court and defends Josie. Then other women stand up in support of her and she has the 3 women that she needs for a class action. Many others stand up for her including her father and mother and several men and women.

The mining company loses the case and is forced to make financial amends. Josey's son also becomes supportive after Josey explains to him how she felt at age 16 after being raped and then finding herself pregnant. No one knew the truth, and she was labeled a whore and promiscuous. She wanted to die and didn't want to be pregnant. Then one night she describes feeling a butterfly reaction in her stomach and she realized that this was HER baby not the teacher's. And from that moment on, he was her son. It is a touching scene as she describes her feelings and how she loves him. They embrace.

On the way home from the court case, Josey teaches her son how to drive the truck. So it all ends on a good note.

The sad thing is that Josey had no one to go to for support when she found herself pregnant after a rape by someone she trusted. She lived a life of hell trying to make a life for herself and her son. She was labeled and blamed and called horrible names - none of which was true. At age 16, she didn't know how to stick up for herself. She must have felt so alone and helpless. Where was the support of family, society, school, church when she needed them so desperately? It's too often the case with rape and sexual harassment. But Josey didn't take it all lying down when she was older and wiser. She stood up for herself. She owned her voice and her power and took charge and got the results that she so much deserved. It's difficult to believe that even a parent would not stand up for his child. But I could relate because I didn't feel support from the family or church either. I felt chastised, ashamed, and like I was so bad and would surely go to hell. I used to wish I could be disintegrated so I wouldn't have to feel. It all felt so hopeless. Thank goodness there is more support and more people being vocal for those who have been abused and harassed. I often wished the perpetrators had just killed me instead of just molesting me. I would have been better off.

Sundance Film Festival - The Invisible War

Survivor Military Sexual Assault/Rape

Kori Cioca

Yesterday, January 22, 2012, I had the privilege of attending the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, UT, to a viewing of The Invisible War. My granddaughter, Holly Kearl, is a women’s rights activist, working in AAUW. Her organization is involved with the court case for some of the survivors whose stories are portrayed in the documentary movie. Because Holly is aware that I, too, am a survivor of rape and sexual assault, she wanted to include me.

I was not prepared for the emotional upheavals the movie raised within me. Nor was I at all aware of the many rape survivors who are veterans of the Coast Guard, Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines – more women than men. The one detail that was presented over and over in many different ways was that it ruined each victim’s life – and that hadn’t eased even 25 years later. There were many statistics cited in the movie. Twenty percent of women in the military are raped by coworkers as well as one percent of men. In 2011, the DOD estimated that about 19,000 women were raped while serving in the military.  It was brought out that few victims report their rapes and only eight percent of perpetrators are prosecuted and only two percent of those end in convictions (which also are usually very lenient.) The survivors all suffered from PTSD, and it was five times greater than those who had served in combat. I was shocked because I, too, had been diagnosed with PTSD, but I had never obtained any medical treatment for it.

These women – the focus was more on the women but men were included as well – had been on many, many, drugs prescribed by the doctors in the armed forces. Kori, one of the survivors, takes probably 50 bottles of prescription drugs from her cupboards (during the movie) and then documents the fact that some of these drugs taken together could cause death. Some former survivors, who did use these drugs together, are already dead.

Kori had been so severely assaulted by her attacker, as he struck her so hard in her face, that she no longer has discs in her jaws. She suffers continual pain. She cannot go outside in the cold Ohio weather (which intensifies the pain), so she watches from a window as her husband and young daughter go outside to play. Kori can’t open her mouth very wide and can’t chew much. She has to be on a constant soft diet of things like Jello, yogurt, and whipped potatoes. It has been a long five years of horrendous pain with no hope of healing looming in the near future. The VA has sent her to doctor after doctor. The previous ones have not been paid and not any of them have read her chart or is familiar with her problems. Each time it’s like starting over. She’s so afraid of being checked that she has a pre-recorded message on her cell phone to her husband who waits outside the exam room. On one visit, a doctor tried to pry open her mouth, which wouldn’t open and he shoved a mirror into her mouth cutting her gums. She ran from his office totally terrorized.

Another 18-year-old female soldier was gang-raped by 8 or 9 of her male team. They lied, so it is their word against hers. She, like many of her sister survivors, had no recourse. Many were threatened to be tortured, killed and their bodies would never be found. Her attackers were her “brother” fellow servicemen. The military units become as a family – so their sexual assault borders on incest. On top of that, it’s so difficult to report the attacks because so often the rapist is their superior officer or the best friend of the rapist. Military justice is different from civilian. The civilian victim has the right of having someone not “family” assisting her. This doesn’t happen in the military.

One survivor did not have the courage to go public with her sexual assault committed by a 3-star general. Another young girl couldn’t wait to get into the military. Her father was still active and highly decorated. He spoke out publicly at the risk of losing all his benefits. He did a full year’s active service in one of the recent wars while this was going on. He was so emotionally distraught over what had happened to his precious young daughter, he could hardly speak. One of the survivors had worked in the legal area and was also threatened. She still found the power to own her voice and to speak out against the violence done to her.

I was deeply impacted by Kori’s husband, Rob Kioca, both in the movie and while speaking with him personally at the “speak out” following the movie. Because of my own abuse, I could relate to both the deep-seated issues the survivors were dealing with along with intimacy problems in their marriages. Kori openly spoke about it and said there were times when she could not even bare her husband to touch her in any way – not even to hold her hand. All he wanted to do was to caress and comfort her, but in her frenzied state, it all felt like rape. Her teary husband told me personally that he didn’t care about the intimacy. He loved his wife, and if there were never any kind of intimacy in their lives again, he would be there totally in support of her. That is true love. He puts her well-being and emotional upheavals above anything he feels on a personal level. His tears testified to the truthfulness of his words. We stood weeping together at his disclosure. I have never respected anyone more than I did this young man at that moment. 

Myla Haider, Kori Kioca, Trina McDonald

Rob Kioca, standing

Most rapes and sexual assaults are not reported in the military. Again, it’s too frightening, fear of not being believed, and the authority to whom they have to report is like “family”, and mostly nothing is done. Out of all the cases cited in the movie probably less than 10% were sentenced to anything for a year or more.

It’s unbelievable how they get away with actions that are so traumatizing to another individual. I know how it feels, and it’s something that never goes away.

Even when the survivors received any kind of therapy, it was so poor that it didn’t even help and with some made the terror much worse. The gang-raped survivor had to listen to her story every day as assigned by her therapist, and she increasingly got worse. The others repeated the poor attempts at any kind of therapy.

Without exception, they sang the praises of the director, Kirby Dick, and the producer, Amy Ziering, who showed them more love, compassion, kindness, and support than they had previously experienced. Kirby and Amy listened – truly listened – wiped away their tears with their support and love. You could feel the deep appreciation for these two fine individuals as the survivors each said “thank you” in her own way.

Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering

I came home totally exhausted – not so much physically as emotionally. I spent the day attempting to repress my volcanic emotions from erupting. I was in a public place, and it didn’t’ feel like the appropriate or safe thing to release all these pent-up feelings still within me. Just three days earlier, I had revealed to my second daughter about a rape when I was 14. It was a relative I really loved and admired. I had kept quiet for more than 60 years although I had revealed four other major perpetrators. I don’t know why I was never able to speak about this one, but I just couldn’t. Maybe it was because I had always admired him, and it was just too devastating.

I reveal this now to add to the testimonies of these women who had been brave enough to reveal it and to bring a court case forward. DOD's motion to dismiss the survivors' case was granted 12/13/11, but an  appeal is being made. Please assist these courageous women by going to www.invisiblewarmovie.com and click on “sign petition”. This is a petition to senators and government to gain support for this issues. They have the support of at least four female senators and two males. But they need a lot more.

It was brought out in the movie that a rapist has assaulted 300 times. These women represent a tiny minority of those who have already suffered and will yet suffer if something isn’t done. These rapists sooner or later are released from the military and move into our communities, our neighborhoods, our streets, and continue to carry on their sexual assaults on innocent victims. The next one could be your own daughter, sister, aunt, niece, mother, granddaughter, cousin, etc. Please let’s gather together to rid our society of this “invisible war”. PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION! Many women will sing your praises for your support. (Link: www.invisiblewarmovie.com - click on "Sign the Petition" button at bottom.)

The women spoke of going to a VA hospital for appointments and receiving “cat calls” as they walked down the halls. Men need to be educated that this IS NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior. Women need your blessings and support, not your taunting. It is a form of abuse, and it needs to stop NOW! Read more on my granddaughter’s website:  www.stopstreetharassment.org. Also Google Holly Kearl for much more information about this.

Get involved in making a difference. Together we can unite to change what has and is happening. And if you have been abused, have the courage to speak out. My websites: www.janiceweinheimer.com , www.janiceweinheimer,org, andwww.stoppingabuse.com carry more information and blogs.

Granddaughter, Holly Kearl, posted this on Facebook: Best moments of the day were meeting/chatting with Kori Cocoa, lead plantiff in class action lawsuit against the military and main subject of The Invisible War film...For speaking out, she has lost friends, & is under public scrutiny. She is SO brave. I am in awe." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ifc_ongQFQ

http://www.flickr.com/photos/invisiblewar/ (link for pictures from Speak-Out)