An innocent little three-year-old. Is she happy? Is she scared? Is she timid? What has happened to change her normally bright, happy, playful countenance to one that is contained, withdrawn, and fearful? Her freedoms were taken from her, when a family member began sexually abusing her at this very stage in her life. It robbed her of her innocence, her mobility, her happy heart. Instead she carries a wall around her heart to try to prevent all the sadness and pain and to protect her.
Her life is forever changed. She will create a persona of protection until she no longer knows who she really is. It won’t be until she is in her sixties that she will be able to awake and discover the happy child she once was.
The energy she now carries with her seems to attract other sexual perpetrators, and so she goes through several other sexual assaults while dissociating so she doesn’t have to really feel the experiences. Dissociate means she’s there physically but not emotionally
She repressed the assaults that occurred when she was a child, but always remembered the lifeguard who repeatedly raped her at age 12 and her religion teacher and church leader who “used” her when she was 14-15. She didn’t realize she had lost the ability to say “no” when her free agency was taken from her at such a young age. She just thought she was “bad”. On the outside, she appeared to be a winner as she excelled in everything she did. On the inside, she felt she was a loser and no amount of trying to be perfect could ever erase those feelings.
She went on to graduate from college at age 20, had eight children by the time she was 28—including two sets of twins and a set of triplets born in 4 years. (That’s right—7 children age 4 and under.) She later added a ninth child, another singleton, at age 32. Her life was a zoo trying to feed, clothe, and take care of all the physical needs of her large family.
- Holly Kearl, author of Stop Street Harassment, speaking against sexual abuse
She became an accomplished speaker and author, but no achievements ever changed the feelings of hopelessness on the inside until the flashbacks came of her childhood abuse and she sought professional help to get her life back on track. That took hundreds of hours, research, diligence in how to heal, and working through a lifetime of sorrows and heartaches.
Many who have been sexually abused have similar feelings and really don’t understand what is wrong with them. They feel like they are going out of their minds, that everything is hopeless because it feels so hopeless. They seem to attempt to be perfect so they can be acceptable. Problem is, it just doesn’t work. The underlying feelings don’t change no matter how perfect they try to be.
Notice the same picture of the little child in Holly Kearl's poster. Holly is very vocal about standing up for women's rights. Check out her website and blogs. There are many. Just Google Holly Kearl and read as she is the stop street harassment expert. The poster is one Holly used in Washington D.C. as she walked for sexual abuse survivors.
Holly is my granddaughter. The picture she carries on her poster is the one at the top of this article, and it is my own picture. I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
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