Watching Rosary Murders this week brought the terrible reality into focus of the horrendous impact of sexual abuse on a teenager. In the movie, a 16-year-old girl confides in a nun about incest and her father raping her. The nun did not believe her and called her a liar. She told the teen that her father would never do such a despicable thing, and that she should be ashamed for accusing him. The girl committed suicide the next week by hanging herself. The nun took on a vow of silence after the fact.
A helpless girl reached out to someone she felt she could trust, but it just didn't work out for her. So she took the only available action she thought she had. Young girls do not have the social skills to protect themselves. They don't know where they can go and to whom they can turn. I know because I went through these things myself. After being repeatedly assaulted by an 18-year-old lifeguard when I was 12, I went to an older girl who was working at the resort and confided in her. She told me if anything was happening to me it was my own fault. I had to agree with her. I thought I must have done something wrong. But what does a 12-year-old know?
After two years I confided in my seminary teacher about the abuse. I was inundated with guilt from "being immoral" or so I thought. I thought God hated me and wouldn't have anything to do with me. That was my religious training. Well, after four months, the seminary teacher crossed the line and also abused me for the next two years. I, like the girl in the movie, didn't know what to do. My religious background and training made me feel like I was evil, but at the same time, he was my religious superior.
I swim daily for exercise at our local rec center. Twice this week, I was approached by a woman at the pool. They each had their own story of sexual abuse to share with me. One told the story of her niece. When the girl told her mother that her stepfather was abusing her, the mother (like the nun above), didn't believe her. To whom could the girl go then if her own mother wouldn't believe her? I advised the aunt, told her about my website, a bit of my own history, and gave her my email address so the niece could contact me. But it hasn't happened. It's so difficult to reach out when you have been abused. Even when I was in my 50's and seeking group therapy and counseling, I sat at the desk for hours before I could make the phone call and then had diarrhea all day before the first session. It's debilitating physically, mentally, and emotionally to reach out. It's almost impossible to put forth the courage to make the contact.
The second lady at the pool confided to me about a more local family who were entertainers. The father was in the hierarchy in his church as well as a professional businessman in the community. There were five daughters who eventually went public with the incest in their family. All five girls had been abused. Again, it was more important to protect the family name and reputation than to stop the abuse and get treatment. Neither the church nor society reached out to the girls.
I continue to hear such sad stories. My heart aches for the victims because I know how it feels. It's so difficult after the fact to get the healing balm that is needed. I have a granddaughter who is doing preventative work. She has written a book on Street Harassment and travels extensively doing seminars and informing the public about the aftermath of street harassment, which is a verbal form of sexual abuse. She is doing great work, and I expect to see tremendous results from her work. But there are still the one in three females and one in six males who have been sexually abused by the age of 18 and it's usually incest, that need assistance to get their lives back together.
I don't want to see more suicides or other side affects from the aftermath of sexual abuse. I would like to see more legislation in favor of the abused. I would like to see more attorneys such as Kelly Clark in Portland, OR who is fighting legal battles for the abused. My seminary teacher did no jail time. In fact he went from being seminary principal to being principal of a very large local high school. That is devastating. I would like to see more safe places where the abused can go and feel safe. Family and church do not always support the abused. I certainly wasn't, and I know how that feels to carry a lifetime of guilt around with you. These special young folk deserve to know that they have done nothing wrong. They are the victims not the perpetrators. It's the perpetrators that deserve to be labeled. And the secrets should not be kept.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
There's So Much Pain. When will it stop?
I just finished watching a movie "Our Fathers" based on the sexual abuse scandal surrounding the Roman Catholic Church and several of their priests and Cardinal Law. The movie was done by Showtime in 2005. It wasn't an easy watch for one who has been abused, but at the same time it drew out my heart to the hundreds of young boys who had their lives wrecked by a person of "trust" in their religion. It was heart-wrenching to see the tragedies in the families as well as the boys. The outcome of the abuse was that several boys committed suicide, some drank themselves to death, some overdosed on drugs, but all were emotional wrecks. They just couldn't live a normal life.
The media made it sound like they were out for money. It had nothing to do with the money they eventually received. One victim said he deposited the check in the bank, but it was "bad money". He had no intention of using it. It was never about the money. It was about seeing some justice done in their behalf. It was about seeing the perpetrators suffer the consequences for their vile acts against humanity. But I don't think that ever really happens in this lifetime. I don't think perpetrators can begin to understand what havoc they have brought into a precious life. It just feels like you are going crazy and that their never will be an end to the inner turmoil.
Cardinal Bernard F. Law eventually resigned as archbishop of Boston on December 13, 2002. But he went on to go to Rome and receive even higher honors. So much said for the bungling job he did in covering up the continuing rape and abuse by Catholic priests. He went on to be appointed by John Paul II to a post in Rome, putting him in charge of the Bascilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, with the title of Archpriest. Law will reach 80 on November 4, 2011 and will then lose the right to participate in any papal conclave.
John Geoghan, the priest who was brought to trial for his abuse of minors under 14, was eventually sentenced to 10 years in prison. He was murdered in his prison cell as Joseph L. Druce tightened a crude noose around his neck even as Geoghan begged for mercy - a mercy he had never given to any of his victims. Geoghan lay face down on the floor of his cell not 20 feet from the guard station in a "secure" prison. His 30-year perpetration of young boys came to a hideous end. He had been a pedophile, a liar, and a manipulator and "a threat to any young boy who may have the misfortune to be in contact with him" (statement issued by Judge Sandra Hamlin as she sentenced him to his 10-year prison term).
But what about the victims? When will their sentence be over? The pain just doesn't stop as was attested to by one of the victims in the movie. His whole life was shattered after the attack when he was just twelve. His brother was a victim as well. One family had seven sons that were all molested by Geoghan. The mother had sent a registered letter to Cardinal Law in regard to what had happened, but nothing was ever done. The power and control vested in one man ruined hundreds of lives forever. No amount of money would ever be able to compensate the losses that were incurred. How could money redeem them from the life sentence of hell that had been given them?
I could relate to the stories of these young men. My experiences were different, but the lasting results were the same. They trusted their priest. I trusted my seminary teacher. I had respected, admired, and trusted him. When he violated me, along with other perpetrators, my life as it should have been was over. It would never be the same again. There was no way to retrieve what had been lost. The pain inside my heart, the emotional upheavals, the scars, the fears, the lack of trust were now realities. This was what I was left to deal with. Prison is too good for a perpetrator. What they deserve will be administered by a higher judge some day. They will then begin to know and understand what their lustful desires gone uncontrolled have created. They will know and understand the pain that doesn't stop. But will they ever know or understand what might have been for their victims? What would life be like without the pain, without the fears, with the ability to trust and move forward in life happily? I wish there was a prescription they could take that would open up their heart and give them an understanding vision of what they truly have created. I wish they could literally walk in the shoes of their victims and realize what they stole from their lives. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe their karma will have them being a molested victim in another life, so they can witness firsthand the pain that doesn't stop.
The media made it sound like they were out for money. It had nothing to do with the money they eventually received. One victim said he deposited the check in the bank, but it was "bad money". He had no intention of using it. It was never about the money. It was about seeing some justice done in their behalf. It was about seeing the perpetrators suffer the consequences for their vile acts against humanity. But I don't think that ever really happens in this lifetime. I don't think perpetrators can begin to understand what havoc they have brought into a precious life. It just feels like you are going crazy and that their never will be an end to the inner turmoil.
Cardinal Bernard F. Law eventually resigned as archbishop of Boston on December 13, 2002. But he went on to go to Rome and receive even higher honors. So much said for the bungling job he did in covering up the continuing rape and abuse by Catholic priests. He went on to be appointed by John Paul II to a post in Rome, putting him in charge of the Bascilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, with the title of Archpriest. Law will reach 80 on November 4, 2011 and will then lose the right to participate in any papal conclave.
John Geoghan, the priest who was brought to trial for his abuse of minors under 14, was eventually sentenced to 10 years in prison. He was murdered in his prison cell as Joseph L. Druce tightened a crude noose around his neck even as Geoghan begged for mercy - a mercy he had never given to any of his victims. Geoghan lay face down on the floor of his cell not 20 feet from the guard station in a "secure" prison. His 30-year perpetration of young boys came to a hideous end. He had been a pedophile, a liar, and a manipulator and "a threat to any young boy who may have the misfortune to be in contact with him" (statement issued by Judge Sandra Hamlin as she sentenced him to his 10-year prison term).
But what about the victims? When will their sentence be over? The pain just doesn't stop as was attested to by one of the victims in the movie. His whole life was shattered after the attack when he was just twelve. His brother was a victim as well. One family had seven sons that were all molested by Geoghan. The mother had sent a registered letter to Cardinal Law in regard to what had happened, but nothing was ever done. The power and control vested in one man ruined hundreds of lives forever. No amount of money would ever be able to compensate the losses that were incurred. How could money redeem them from the life sentence of hell that had been given them?
I could relate to the stories of these young men. My experiences were different, but the lasting results were the same. They trusted their priest. I trusted my seminary teacher. I had respected, admired, and trusted him. When he violated me, along with other perpetrators, my life as it should have been was over. It would never be the same again. There was no way to retrieve what had been lost. The pain inside my heart, the emotional upheavals, the scars, the fears, the lack of trust were now realities. This was what I was left to deal with. Prison is too good for a perpetrator. What they deserve will be administered by a higher judge some day. They will then begin to know and understand what their lustful desires gone uncontrolled have created. They will know and understand the pain that doesn't stop. But will they ever know or understand what might have been for their victims? What would life be like without the pain, without the fears, with the ability to trust and move forward in life happily? I wish there was a prescription they could take that would open up their heart and give them an understanding vision of what they truly have created. I wish they could literally walk in the shoes of their victims and realize what they stole from their lives. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe their karma will have them being a molested victim in another life, so they can witness firsthand the pain that doesn't stop.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Child Sexual Abuse Reports in Kenya Mirror Sex Abuse Patterns in Boy Scouts of America
I received an email from Kelly Clark, a Portland, OR based attorney devoted to the rights of those who have been sexually abused. Here is the Link to the Kenya Sexual Abuse article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-11492499. I have spoken with Kelly personally, and he is truly supportive of those who have experienced the trauma of being sexually abused. He fights for them in the courts as well as working on getting legislation passed in favor of the abused. His comments about the Kenya article:
"The news that over 1000 teachers in Kenya have been dismissed
in recent years for sexually abusing girls is stunning.
No matter how long I do this work, I never get used to such
things—and especially not to such numbers. If you assume that, on average, each
teacher involved had 10 victims—a conservative number, according to
psychological literature—there are at least 10,000 girls affected. But wait: we
know that only a handful ever get caught or reported: 10% would be a very high
number. But even if it is that, there would be as many as 100,000 girls
abused. Again, the problem seems to be of staggering
proportions.
This dynamic is similar to what we learned in the sex abuse
trial of the Boy Scouts in Portland this past spring. We had over 1200
“Perversion files” introduced into evidence, all concerning Boy Scout leaders
sexually abusing boys, just from 1965-85. Expert testimony established that,
for such an environment, each such Boy Scout leader would have, on average,
10-20 victims, and that, perhaps 10% of all sex abuse in the Boy Scouts would
ever be reported—a very optimistic number, the experts agreed. But if you do
that math, it means that somewhere between120,000 and 240,000 boys were sexually
abused in Boy Scouting, JUST from 1965-85. And we know that the Boy Scouts have
been keeping their “confidential Perversion files” on child sexual abusers since
1925. As I have said repeatedly since the trial, I am personally convinced
that the problem of child sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts is at least as serious,
if not worse, than the sexual abuse problem in the Catholic
Church."
Kelly does trial work for the abused against the Boys Scouts, Catholic Church, Seventh Day Adventists, and Mormon (LDS) Church. His web site: www.kellyclarkattorney.com states:
"Kelly Clark is a trial and appellate lawyer representing individuals, families and businesses against large or powerful institutions, public and private. He is recognized for his courtroom skills, for his knowledge of public and constitutional law, and for his tenacious and creative litigation strategies. A former two term legislator, as of 2009 Mr. Clark has practiced before or against some 85 federal, state and local government agencies. He has brought cases in state and federal court on civil rights, voting rights, education rights—including pioneering wins for charter schools—as well as cases on religious liberty, free speech and property rights. He has been legal counsel to numerous political campaigns, including legislative, congressional and gubernatorial candidates."
I am very impressed with Kelly's dedication to those who have been abused. It feels good when you have such talent and expertise dedicated to non-tolerance of such pernicious acts. I would like to see more who are devoted to rooting out this "disease" which affects all of us in our country as well as the world. If we could look into the hearts of the perpetrators, what would we discover? Do they have core issues of their own that stem from being abused in one way or another? What sad/bad things have they had to deal with that causes them to act out in such a manner? I believe they have sustained such deep hurts themselves that they only know how to act out in anger. If they were educated and had those who loved them counsel with them, could they be restored to their original blueprint of love? I believe so. I don't think hate and anger will change them. I believe it has to come from a foundation of love and acceptance and them being able to see what damage they are doing to their victims as well as to themselves and their loved ones.
I am dedicated to getting the word out that there is much abuse going on behind a wall of secrecy and threats. Sexual abuse is never about sex. It's about control. There are positive ways that perpetrators can use to being whole and healed themselves. It begins with them doing their own soul-searching to see what lies at the root of their abusing others. Below their anger, there is pain - pain that is buried. It is pain that needs to be brought to the surface where it can be resolved and perpetrators can become whole and high-level functioning individuals.
If you know someone who has been abused, or if you know someone who is a perpetrator, encourage them to seek counseling. I also am available and may be reached at: puggie37@yahoo.com.
Monday, October 4, 2010
14 and Abused by a Person in a Trusting Position and Authority
I received a phone call last night from my daughter and grandson. A friend of his at school had confided in him that she had been abused a year ago by a leader in her church. She was 14 at the time. Immediately, the tears came because I was the same age when I also was abused by my seminary teacher. I could relate too well to the feelings she might be experiencing. I asked a lot of questions so I could get a feeling for where she was coming from. My daughter told her about my book, and she was interested in reading it. Their family copy was with one of the older children while he reads it. I told my daughter I'd be happy to give the girl a book.
I spoke with my grandson at length because I didn't want him to feel like he needed to try to fix things for her. I assured him that this deserved professional counseling which she is supposedly receiving. I told him he must have a special relationship with her for her to reveal such inner feelings to him. I would think the first place she would go would be to a girl friend. To confide in a boy, to me, means she has a lot of confidence in my grandson. He is a sweetheart, but I'm also concerned about him. I don't want to see him get involved in a relationship that could create close feelings based on rescuing rather than friendship. That can and does happen too frequently.
I'm also concerned about her relationship with her parents. Are they supportive of her? I hope so. She certainly doesn't need to be receiving any judgments at this fragile time in her life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I hear about more and more abuse. The good news is that she is not keeping it secret which only serves to protect the perpetrator. I asked about the 30-year-old man who did the abusing. Was there any civil action being taken, and thank goodness there is. I asked about church actions but no one knew the answer.
This has been on my mind all day. My book is a bit heavy for a 15-year-old, so I told my daughter to advise her not to read it from beginning to end. The first two chapters are more in story-line. And the counseling years might prove valuable for her. The rest, she could just thumb through and stop wherever her heart tells her. I'm sure there is much there that will assist her. I just don't want her to get too much too soon. It might also be good for her parents to read the book and the leaders in her church.
I just feel so sad that another soul has to deal with such trauma. And it is traumatic! It may well affect every aspect of her life for who knows how long - maybe for her entire lifetime. And all because someone thought he had the right and he couldn't control his own urges. I watch Law and Order Criminal Intent - Special Victims Unit because it's usually about sexual abuse. I don't think we even begin to know the horrors of what happens out there on a daily basis. I so much want this to stop, and I desire to be there for those who have gone through such heinous experiences. Fourteen is much, much too young to be experiencing such things. A fourteen-year-old just doesn't have the social skills and knowledge to know what impact this can have on her life. But a thirty-year-old definitely does, and he deserves to pay for ruining this young girl's life.
I spoke with my grandson at length because I didn't want him to feel like he needed to try to fix things for her. I assured him that this deserved professional counseling which she is supposedly receiving. I told him he must have a special relationship with her for her to reveal such inner feelings to him. I would think the first place she would go would be to a girl friend. To confide in a boy, to me, means she has a lot of confidence in my grandson. He is a sweetheart, but I'm also concerned about him. I don't want to see him get involved in a relationship that could create close feelings based on rescuing rather than friendship. That can and does happen too frequently.
I'm also concerned about her relationship with her parents. Are they supportive of her? I hope so. She certainly doesn't need to be receiving any judgments at this fragile time in her life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I hear about more and more abuse. The good news is that she is not keeping it secret which only serves to protect the perpetrator. I asked about the 30-year-old man who did the abusing. Was there any civil action being taken, and thank goodness there is. I asked about church actions but no one knew the answer.
This has been on my mind all day. My book is a bit heavy for a 15-year-old, so I told my daughter to advise her not to read it from beginning to end. The first two chapters are more in story-line. And the counseling years might prove valuable for her. The rest, she could just thumb through and stop wherever her heart tells her. I'm sure there is much there that will assist her. I just don't want her to get too much too soon. It might also be good for her parents to read the book and the leaders in her church.
I just feel so sad that another soul has to deal with such trauma. And it is traumatic! It may well affect every aspect of her life for who knows how long - maybe for her entire lifetime. And all because someone thought he had the right and he couldn't control his own urges. I watch Law and Order Criminal Intent - Special Victims Unit because it's usually about sexual abuse. I don't think we even begin to know the horrors of what happens out there on a daily basis. I so much want this to stop, and I desire to be there for those who have gone through such heinous experiences. Fourteen is much, much too young to be experiencing such things. A fourteen-year-old just doesn't have the social skills and knowledge to know what impact this can have on her life. But a thirty-year-old definitely does, and he deserves to pay for ruining this young girl's life.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Speak - Lifetime Movie Network movie
I watched Speak this week because in the explanation of the movie it spoke of a teenage rape. The girl went to a party with her friends. She was totally into the party, having a great time, and felt very free. An older boy showered her with attention. They danced, and he kissed her. Then he led her outside and kissed her some more while leading her to his car. The kissing continued momentarily inside the car, and then he began pressing her for more. When she said no, he pressed his hand tightly over her mouth so her screams couldn't be heard and continued with his assault.
Afterward, she is shown walking barefoot, bedraggled, horrified, and sad. She goes home by herself and tells no one. At school the following year, she is a very depressed and sad soul. Soon her friends leave her, and others make fun of her. She goes from being a good student to getting D grades. Her parents are shocked and alarmed at her behavior, but they don't really listen to her. They just want her to be her old self. She is no longer included in any activities in or out of school. She is a loner and a failure. Her art teacher is the only one who really tries to reach down into her inner feelings. She chose a tree as her object for the year. She does different kinds of trees and eventually starts noticing trees in nature. She improves in art. Meanwhile, she discovers a hidden alcove behind a storage closet. This becomes her safe haven and her place to escape. Her only ally is her lab partner and a new girl at school. The new girl eventually tells her she can't be around her any longer because she drags her down. She suggests she get some professional help.
Her X-good friend, begins dating the boy who assaulted her. After about three months, the victim writes on the X-friend's notebook that she was raped. Her friend runs outside with her and asks why she didn't tell her? She is totally supportive until she asks and finds out who the rapist was. She runs back inside the building calling the victim a liar and says she's jealous. However, the X-friend begins to see things in her boyfriend that concern her. She begins to ask questions, and the boy runs from her calling her a Bitch. Toward the end, he finds his victim in her safe place and starts again to attack her. The X-friend had told others about the rape. When the victim's screams are heard, several girls come to the rescue and tell the boy they know what he did. The boy is removed and the girl is taken to the hospital for stitches. Her mother talks to her on the way home and asks if she wants to talk. The girl says she does.
Two things stuck out to me. One, the victim kept trying to make herself talk. She would say in her mind: Say this....etc. But she could never get the words out. I was the same way. Several of my family thought I was a sulker, but in reality, I could not put voice to the words inside me. They choked in my throat. I wasn't able to vocalize my inner thoughts and feelings. Second, the tree girl, had decorated her safe place with all the trees she had made and painted during the year. The art teacher was leaving because he wasn't appreciated (while he was the only one reaching students). The last day of school, she leaves her lab partner who has just invited her to a party that evening (and she accepts) to run back to show her teacher her safe place. He was totally thrilled and tears indicated how touched he was. What a great teacher. Lessons weren't the important thing to him - students were. It reminded me of Dead Poets' Society and Robin Williams leaving his classroom for the last time. Why do we sometimes lose the great teachers and keep those that live within the box and never reach inside and touch the students?
At any rate, I could relate to this raped girl. Her whole countenance went from one of being outgoing, happy, free, spontaneous, to one of total depression, sadness, and feeling worthless. Isn't it sad what a perpetrator can cause just because he thinks what he wants is more important than ruining someone's life. I truly wish they could feel and experience what their victims go through. A movie worth watching.
What The Pope Knew. A CNN Special Investigation
Kelly Clark, an attorney for the sexual abused in OR sent this today. The link is: http://www.mormonabuse.com/sex-abuse-news-of-interest/what-the-pope-knew.a-cnn-special-investigation/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+SurvivorsOfMormonSexAbuse+(Survivors+of+Mormon+Sex+Abuse)
This is a CNN Special Investigation concerning some of the most notorious pedophile priest cases in the US. The reporter, Gary Tuchman, discovered when the Pope was a Cardinal,and was responsible for the handling of the cases, he opposed or slowed down the defrocking of some convicted child molesters.
The program will air Saturday, September 25 at 8:00pm ET. Some parts will be available on CNN.com. Kelly Clark's areas of practice are: Mormon Abuse, Catholic Abuse, Boy Scout Abuse, School and Other Youth Programs.
This is a CNN Special Investigation concerning some of the most notorious pedophile priest cases in the US. The reporter, Gary Tuchman, discovered when the Pope was a Cardinal,and was responsible for the handling of the cases, he opposed or slowed down the defrocking of some convicted child molesters.
The program will air Saturday, September 25 at 8:00pm ET. Some parts will be available on CNN.com. Kelly Clark's areas of practice are: Mormon Abuse, Catholic Abuse, Boy Scout Abuse, School and Other Youth Programs.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
September 21, 2010
September 21, 2010
Sexual abuse, statutory rape, prison term – all relate to
Michael Pratt. Michael Pratt was a LDS Seminary Principal/teacher who was charged with statutory rape of a minor and several other charges. Fourth District Judge Christine Johnson sentenced Pratt to three concurrent terms of five years to life in prison and an additional one to 15 year sentence. Pratt had pleaded guilty in June to one count of forcible sodomy and two counts of object rape, all first-degree felonies, and forcible sexual assault, a second-degree felony. In return, prosecutors dropped 11 other charges. The story link: http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50319781-76/pratt-victim-woman-seminary.html.csp
I have followed his trial with much interest because the same thing happened to me when I was 14-15. My seminary principal was also my teacher. I have just read over 250 comments posted to this related article. I was shocked and saddened by some of the comments. There is much that needs to be understood in this regard. Back in my day, there was no civil action taken against my teacher. My cousin recently was quick to tell his siblings, however, the man was excommunicated from the LDS church as if that was punishment enough. I got the feeling that this was all my cousin felt was necessary (he serves in a high position is the LDS church). Sad, because this teacher went on to become principal of a local high school.
Some feel 6 years to life in prison is severe for the crime
(and it was a crime). What about the victim? She was given a life prison term
without any possibility of parole. Some readers may be skeptics, but my husband
has lived with me for more than 50 years, and he often says that my teacher
would have been much kinder to me if he had just killed me. What happened to me
has affected every aspect of my life: social, physical, mental, emotional,
spiritual, and most of all my children because I was unable to nurture. I was
ostracized when I went public with my abuse (as counseled by my third
therapist) and treated like I had social plague. I was released from my church
callings and put out to pasture. I had been a leader and popular speaker
previously.
I went through years of therapy, reading and applying
everything I could find that would assist me. I had also been abused severely
by a lifeguard one summer when I was 12. I had repressed abuse that had
occurred when I was a child. This memory came back after I was 52. I was in a
sexual abuse class at Women’s Conference at BYU taught by Dr. Anne Horton, author
of Confronting Abuse. There were 450
abused in her class. She taught us some poignant facts: when you are abused as
a child, you lose your free agency and “No” is never an option. She gave an
example of a woman who had a temple marriage, 6 children, and yet every time
her father came to town she had sex with him. To the unlearned, this sounds
incredible, but to the abused, it totally makes sense. It’s like a part of your
brain goes to sleep when you are in a threatening situation, and your ability
to take action is null and void. I was accused of knowing better. I had been
taught moral principles. Yes, but in the moment, I became a 4-year-old child
again without any authority.
The life sentence includes feeling dirty, unworthy, full of
toxic shame, and helpless. Toxic shame means you are totally flawed as a person
without any hope of recovery, and totally worthless. The feelings became so
intense for me that I wanted to die, to disintegrate so I wouldn’t have the
heavy guilt, unlovable even by God, feelings.
I have felt that I should put all that I learned from my
experiences to some use. My third therapist told me I had read and studied so
much I had an equivalent of a Ph.D. in counseling – I just didn’t have the
pigskin. But I had something better – experience. I wrote my experiences and
what I learned in my book, The Illness That Healed Me - An Account of Surviving Sexual Abuse and the Journey into Healing, so I could assist the abused to heal. The focus is on
healing and forgiving. Forgiving, I feel is mandatory, in order to heal;
otherwise the abused remains tied to the perpetrator. I put my email address on
the book jacket because I know how scary it is for an abused to contact anyone
personally. I may be reached at: puggie37@yahoo.com
Sequel to Sunset and the Birds
September 19, 2010
A quick follow-up to Sunset and Birds of September 11. I was at the swimming pool in the far corner. A bird flew in and landed at the opposite corner. It began walking across the (outside the pool) shallow end, between the hot tub and the pool, and then walked down the entire side to where I was in the corner. I have tried to talk to birds who have flown in in the past with my voice. This time, however, I just telepathically communicated with it. As it came to the corner where I was, it stopped, and its beak kept opening and closing as if it were talking with me. I stood in the corner silent. After a while I raised one hand to the edge of the pool, and the bird flew away. (Wish I hadn’t done that.) I pondered over the experience afterward and felt that this was a second witness to the earlier experience I had had. I felt so touched and humbled
.
.
Sunset and Birds
September 11, 2010
My recliner chair looked so inviting,
and I really wanted to relax. As I went to sit down, my eyes were drawn to the
west and the French doors. I looked out and could see through the trees that
the sun was setting. I felt an inner pull to go out and watch the sunset. I
looked longingly at my chair, but the feeling persisted. I went out on the
patio. As I opened the door, I heard the sound of rushing – like water or
birds, but it couldn’t be either as there were just homes surrounding us. I
started to watch the sunset.
I had been given a gift several years
ago while doing some impact training. We were assigned to get up early, be
amongst the trees, and watch the sunrise. During this experience, I witnessed
the aura of the sun. It was such a splash of colors so intense like I had never
experienced before. The purples, midnight blues, magentas, pinks, gold, yellow,
and the sun itself became a swirling emerald green ball. Ever since this
experience, when I look at the sun (no matter what hour of the day), I see this
scene. The darker hues come right at me like a funnel, and then there are
strands of intense light in the funnel. I can watch the sun during the day
without any harm to my eyes because of what I see.
I focused on the sunset momentarily,
but the rushing sound became more intense and then I heard sounds like
chirping, but it was muffled. Then from behind the trees on the south side of
the street, came a whole cloud of birds. They flew toward me and then headed
east. There literally were hundreds upon hundreds of birds. I watched them fly
away and then became aware of electrical wires up high. The top one was filled
almost completely with birds as far as I could see in either direction.
I turned back to the sun, but the
noise of rushing and chirping once again drew my eyes to the south. Another
full cloud of birds came rushing forward. A few birds flew to the top wire and
found a place on the line. Again, there were hundreds of birds, and they turned
to the east and flew away.
This was repeated for about 15
minutes. There were literally thousands upon thousands of birds that came out
of nowhere and then flew east. Tears welled up in my eyes and caressed my
cheeks. I had never witnessed such a sight before. I had heard birds chirping
before sunrise – especially in the summer, but I had never heard the rushing
sound as thousands of birds were chirping and singing together. Their flying
made a huge fluttering sound as they thronged the sky like huge swirling
clouds.
When the last ones flew away, they
were joined by all but 10 birds on the wire who remained right in front of me.
What did all this mean? Why was I a witness to it? The answer seemed to come
from within. They represented the thousands upon thousands of women that were
hungering for healing from sexual abuse. I reflected upon the many, many times
I had been impressed that tens of thousands of women were waiting for my
healing words in my book.
My book took 20 years to write. I
hadn’t wanted to do it and several times quit writing. I doubted and wondered
who I was that I could influence anyone. And yet Kent (my third therapist) had
said that I had read and studied so much that I had the equivalent of a Ph.D.
in counseling – I just didn’t have the pigskin. But, he said that I had
something even better – the experience. Those words had brought reassurance as
I sat with notebook and pencil in hand and waited for God’s words to come to
me. That was how my book was written. I just showed up and prayed and waited
until I felt what I should write.
Since the book has come out, I have
had many moments of doubting. I had put an email address on the book jacket so
I could be contacted. I had retired and planned to devote the rest of my life
to assisting the abused to heal. I have had a few emails, and I was able to
send healing words back. My daughter told me to just trust (something that has
been an issue every since being abused) as I am not seeing the big picture. So
I’m trusting and just waiting and surrendering to God’s will.
I still have my moments of doubts,
but since witnessing the miracle of the birds along with the sunset, I just
recall the experience and surrender once again. I desire so much to serve those
who are questioning, hurting, not understanding, and feeling shamed and
worthless. I desire to be able to lift and motivate others as I am now.
The name of my book is: The Illness That Healed Me: An Account of Surviving
Sexual Abuse and the Journey into Healing. My website is: www.janiceweinheimer.com
Friday, August 13, 2010
Your False Self versus your Authentic Self and Perfectionism
My back went out, and I've spent more time lying flat on the bed or floor than I would like. However, while there, I've done a lot of pondering. I started thinking about the false self I created and lived as through most of my life. In fact, I thought I was this false self. The false self was based on pleasing others - especially my family early on. I recall always feeling like we had to protect the family name and reputation at all costs. I was led to believe that who I was was based upon what I could do, what I could achieve, what I could own and earn, how much I knew and especially whether I knew church doctrine and could espouse it to others.
I became an over-achiever because on the inside I never felt good about myself. It was always: if I could just do better, be better, accomplish more, etc., I would be acceptable to family, friends, and others. But I could never be perfect enough to achieve the status that I desired. In school, I desired to be the best even though I was far from being the smartest kid. I studied every night until about 2 am and was up around 5:30 studying (this was in high school). My mother would sometimes climb the stairs and tell me to go to bed, but I just couldn't. You see, I had set myself a goal of becoming valedictorian. Why? Because at my brother's graduation, I watched as the valedictorian gave her address, and it seemed everyone looked up to her and admired her. I tried to be the best seamstress - mostly self-taught and eventually became a professional seamstress working for a designer shop that did a lot of garments for NY designers and models. I made all my daughters' wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, husband and sons' tuxes. I also got involved in catering somewhat and so did all the foods for the wedding receptions and dinners.
After my first book was published, I became a popular speaker and never turned anything down. I spoke 4 and 5 times a week and wore myself out traveling and speaking. I was in the limelight a lot and received a lot of accolades, but they were like Band-aides and didn't last very long and then I needed another "fix". I didn't know how to live any other way. I used to explain my feelings like report card grades. Everyone else received A's or A+ while I received F's. I used to feel if I did everything I knew how to do, if I was perfect in all ways, that I might be able to get my grades to a D-. My husband could not believe I felt that way. He told me others looked up to me and admired me, but I never knew that inside and I never felt it. I felt so worthless, but I kept on working on being perfect and trying to grow to where I was acceptable to God, but it never happened.
The person I presented publicly had nothing to do with the real me, and yet I believed I was this counterfeit persona that I had created. When I took some Impact Training, I got in touch with the "real me" on the inside - the authentic self. I began to realize I didn't have to work at being a better person. I only had to go inside and just be the person I am. What an amazing discovery that was! But it didn't happen overnight. It has taken a lot of years for me to get to "know" me, to accept me, and to give up "trying" to become perfect. I already am perfect on the inside. I just have to get in touch with who I really am.
Can you imagine the freedom when we come to realize that we truly are connected with God (universe, higher power, Source, whatever you call it), and that he accepts us just as we are. I nearly killed myself working so hard to be perfect, to be a better person, to be who I thought I should be. Now I don't think about it or work at it. I do things because that's who I am not because I think I should. I'm still very busy and active, but I do things as I am moved to do them. I trust that God will show me the way. Above all, I feel and know that it's okay. I am no longer controlled by outside influences. I am free to just be me!
I became an over-achiever because on the inside I never felt good about myself. It was always: if I could just do better, be better, accomplish more, etc., I would be acceptable to family, friends, and others. But I could never be perfect enough to achieve the status that I desired. In school, I desired to be the best even though I was far from being the smartest kid. I studied every night until about 2 am and was up around 5:30 studying (this was in high school). My mother would sometimes climb the stairs and tell me to go to bed, but I just couldn't. You see, I had set myself a goal of becoming valedictorian. Why? Because at my brother's graduation, I watched as the valedictorian gave her address, and it seemed everyone looked up to her and admired her. I tried to be the best seamstress - mostly self-taught and eventually became a professional seamstress working for a designer shop that did a lot of garments for NY designers and models. I made all my daughters' wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, husband and sons' tuxes. I also got involved in catering somewhat and so did all the foods for the wedding receptions and dinners.
After my first book was published, I became a popular speaker and never turned anything down. I spoke 4 and 5 times a week and wore myself out traveling and speaking. I was in the limelight a lot and received a lot of accolades, but they were like Band-aides and didn't last very long and then I needed another "fix". I didn't know how to live any other way. I used to explain my feelings like report card grades. Everyone else received A's or A+ while I received F's. I used to feel if I did everything I knew how to do, if I was perfect in all ways, that I might be able to get my grades to a D-. My husband could not believe I felt that way. He told me others looked up to me and admired me, but I never knew that inside and I never felt it. I felt so worthless, but I kept on working on being perfect and trying to grow to where I was acceptable to God, but it never happened.
The person I presented publicly had nothing to do with the real me, and yet I believed I was this counterfeit persona that I had created. When I took some Impact Training, I got in touch with the "real me" on the inside - the authentic self. I began to realize I didn't have to work at being a better person. I only had to go inside and just be the person I am. What an amazing discovery that was! But it didn't happen overnight. It has taken a lot of years for me to get to "know" me, to accept me, and to give up "trying" to become perfect. I already am perfect on the inside. I just have to get in touch with who I really am.
Can you imagine the freedom when we come to realize that we truly are connected with God (universe, higher power, Source, whatever you call it), and that he accepts us just as we are. I nearly killed myself working so hard to be perfect, to be a better person, to be who I thought I should be. Now I don't think about it or work at it. I do things because that's who I am not because I think I should. I'm still very busy and active, but I do things as I am moved to do them. I trust that God will show me the way. Above all, I feel and know that it's okay. I am no longer controlled by outside influences. I am free to just be me!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Unfinished Business, Psychological Stress, and Physical Pain
Yesterday afternoon I bent over to pick up something off the floor and couldn't stand up straight. My back went "out" that quickly. I have a history of back problems, but I haven't had a problem recently because I faithfully swim almost every day and do back exercises daily plus Egoscue exercises. Egoscue will be a blog on another day.
I've pondered about a lot of things I've learned in the past. Dr. John Sarno has books on Healing Back Pain. In there he talks about working on people's backs for 17 years. He began to see a trend. When he assisted in healing the pain in one area, it would just crop out in another part of the back. He determined that the pain was more psychological and until his patients dealt with the underlying causes, they wouldn't heal permanently. I recommend his books to any of you who may be hurting in that way. I also thought about maybe my body was just calling out for a rest. I believe there are no accidents when things like this happen. I believe we have created the energy that calls these things forth.
I also thought about some lessons I learned from Dr. Norm Shealy - a medical doctor who uses a lot of alternative techniques. He has his own clinic with some of these things built in. I had listened to some tapes of his and Dr. Carolyn Myss on becoming your own medical intuitive. In those tapes, Dr. Shealy discussed what he called "unfinished business". This had to do with four different things: anger, guilt, anxiety, depression. So when I have a painful episode, I begin to wonder which of these four is involved because they cause psychological stress which in turn creates physical pain in the body. We were taught to try to get a visual picture of what was going on in the area of the pain.
I had been dealing with a lot of hip joint pain. The visual I got was one of a wolf gnawing on my hipbone. When I focused in on that, I didn't get a "knowing" feeling with guilt, anxiety, or depression, but I did with anger. This really surprised me because I didn't feel I really got angry. But then my third therapist taught me that anger is really just a secondary emotion. Buried beneath that anger is all the hurt and pain that we have stuffed. Stuffed emotions can cause a lot of pain as well as added weight.
These are some important things to look into when we have pain. Pain is just a sign that something is not right. Taking a pain pill doesn't heal the underlying cause, so it will just return. We really need to go within and find the underlying cause and heal that. It would be worth checking out the links on this one. I still will do the back exercises and swimming. I realize I probably still have some frozen gray energy blobs that deserve to be thawed, cried through and healed. This is just another aspect of the healing journey.
Links: www.healingbackpain.com/ - www.normshealy.com
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Healing with Dr. David Hawkins and Map of Consciousness
Today, I'd like to introduce you to one of my favorite authors and speakers - Dr. David Hawkins. He is a retired psychiatrist who had the largest practice in the country. He had more than 25,000 patients that he treated in a unique approach - multidimensional. Was it effective? So much so that he amazed his peers when he healed their "hopeless" cases and sometimes within seconds.
Dr. Hawkins' premise is that "living in harmony with the environment is normal". Feeling good and being well is normal. Our western culture has adopted "drugs, surgery, or counseling" as their healing modalities. But Dr. Hawkins introduced "consciousness" to healing. My world-renowned accupuncturist, Tao Tan, used to say if it was life threating, opt for western medicine; otherwise stick to eastern culture and their methods to get more lasting results.
Dr. Hawkins wanted his patients involved with their healing journey - which includes physical ailments as well as mental or spiritual challenges. And how about his credentials? For a beginning, he has overcome 27 illnesses of his own. But perhaps his best known tool is his own "scientifically formulated blueprint". For 29 years, Dr. Hawkins worked on a study which indicated the mental state of an individual determined his strength or weakness.
He formulated his study into a scale from 1-1,000 "that mapped human consciousness". He used kinesiology (muscle testing) to demonstrate human strength or weakness. This system has also been used to establish truth from falsity.
The lowest energetic level on his map was being a victim - at point 20. That's where I spent the major portion of my life until I became consciously aware. Then I began a slow healing journey up the scale. Fear would constantly send me on a tailspin backwards. Two hundred was the dividing line between the lower and high energies. I desperately desired to dwell above the 200 mark.
During my healing journey, I learned the power behind the mind, body, and spirit connection. I came to understand that the mind could control the body. Migraines were never as debilitating once I learned to use my mind to relax my body. Meditating became a daily habit. I learned to let tears escape and not hold them back because they were healing to many stuffed emotions.
I've heard Dr. Wayne Dyer say "It's not the food you eat that causes problem with your weight. Rather, it's what you believe about the food you eat." I learned that changing my beliefs could bring about healing changes in my body.
I delved into my fears and came to understand they had been established many years earlier when I went through traumatic experiences in my life. Dr. Carolyn Myss and others who can view energy sees these experiences stored up as gray globs in the energetic fields. The feelings don't change until we go to the fields and release these energies.
Just knowing that love, peace, and joy were higher up on the map of consciousness assisted me in realizing I could obtain these levels by letting go of the past, its beliefs and holds on me, and trust that I could achieve these desired goals. I could no longer be content to stay in the box where everything was comfortable because it was well known. I had to have enough courage and trust to push myself beyond my comfort zone. The prizes I desires were awaiting me over the threshold and into a new field. Rupert Sheldrake, the English scientist, calls this morphic resonance and morphic fields.. It is within that parameter that new things happen and change lives. It is a risk, and it is a journey - a healing journey. There is much more about all this in my book: The Illness That Healed Me.
http://www.spiritualteachers.org/david_hawkins.htm
Monday, August 9, 2010
I've been thinking about a friend who was also abused. Her perpetrator was her brother, and she hated what he did to her. When he was about 16, he shot himself right in front of her. The trauma that she experienced has stayed with her most of her life. People who have not been abused have no idea of the far-reaching effects of sexual abuse. Let me share some details of her life.
She was married quite young. She had three beautiful children and lived in in CA. She moved back to UT and got settled in another town and home. It was here she discovered her husband had been on drugs and dealing drugs. He also had another wife and family in CA. When her local church authorities found out, there was a special meeting held. Her in-law parents held her totally responsible for what had happened to their son. The church hierarchy seemed to be all for him and there was nothing left for her. She was devastated. She had no idea what had been going on behind the scenes of her supposedly happy life, marriage, and family.
The after effects of losing her husband and her ideal family, left her with a debilitating illness. After months of trying to get well, she inched forward a step at a time. She began working part time and trying to take care of her now teenage children. She took some training and schooling and got herself a better job. Here she met and married an older gentleman who had just lost his wife. My friend was rescuing him, but she didn't understand that at the time. Every time things got a little bit difficult, he would run back to his own home and grown children. Eventually, his family won out, and the marriage ended.
She tried to snap back and get on her feet again. Eventually another man came into her life. Again it turned out to be a rescuing situation on her part. He gave the appearance of being well-to-do, but in reality was in heavy debt. She had to work to pay for everything and take in his children from a previous marriage on weekends. This marriage didn't work out either. There were too many untruths and too many issues.
So she was on her own again, but she continued to pursue her education and trying to better herself in her work. She took up square dancing and met who she thought was her soul mate. However, he soon fled because he was afraid of commitment. She went back to her square dancing and met someone else. This time she thought she had found the right one for sure. They had a lot of interests together. He was busy taking care of extracurricular work and didn't have a lot of extra time. He used her like a prostitute daily. He had money, but he only was concerned in pursuing his own interests. When she couldn't deal with it any longer, she left him. Even though he had money and had assisted her with her college pursuits, it wasn't enough. She wanted true companionship.
The marriage ended. She continued her degree in another state. After she had graduated in counseling (wouldn't you know), she returned back home. Her children had gotten reacquainted with their drug dealing father, and visited him in FL and then blamed her for all of their problems. She felt like she had lost everything, but she didn't give up. She let her children be where they were and continued on with her own life. She gave them love whenever they would let her. Her first husband committed suicide and she even got blamed for that by her children.
Still undaunted, she followed her career choice and found work and devoted her life to serving others. During this time she met the man of her dreams. She wasn't rescuing this time. He was tall, dark, and handsome and had a good job. They eventually listened to their clergy and got married. Today, she is happier than I have ever seen her. Her children still aren't where she would like them to be, but she has the education to know how to deal with all that. She devotes her life to the elderly and to the women in her church. She is totally happy and fulfilled.
Hers is a difficult story because there is so much sadness. Her neighbors judged her because of all her marriages, but they didn't know the truth. I lived through it with her, and I have the highest respect and regard for her. She lived through terrible circumstances in her life, but by discovering who she truly was, she didn't let her physical circumstances rule or ruin her life. She is an outstanding woman, cheerful, social, loving, compassionate, and beautiful.
She could easily have chosen to be a victim. So many things happened to her over and over. However, she chose instead to take control of her life. She chose not to remain in the low energy created by choosing to be a victim. She let those who judged her be where they were, but she chose to make a difference in and for her life.She chose to move on. She is successful because she took action that brought her results. Her intent was clear, and she went for it. Now she has a blessed life, and she is living her desires.
I love you, Sherrie!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Abused by a Mormon Bishop
Julie was 34 when she told her story publicly. Her roots were four generation Mormon. She was born and raised in the church in a small Utah town. Her abuse had always weighed heavily on her mind. She chose to share in hopes of ending her inner conflicts.
It all began when she was seven. Her father was incarcerated for several instances of drunken driving and wife abuse. Her mother, unable to financially care for her family, turned to the church for assistance. As is common in such cases, her mother was asked to repay by cleaning the church. Julie was assigned to vacuum on Saturdays while her mother worked. Julie had a key to the church, and she was just seven years old.
Other children teased Julie because of her father's situation. This was upsetting to her. One Saturday while vacuuming, a counselor in the bishopric saw her and asked why she was crying. He was very kind, and she responded to his kindness. She trusted this "man of God" who cared about her and told him everything. Her spirit was soaring when she returned home.
The following Saturday, this "man of God" was once again at the church and was very solicitous of Julie's feelings. He held her on his lap and asked how things were going. She responded that she was still being teased. While she spoke, his hand slipped inside her shorts and began exploring. She felt concerned and confused when she returned home that day. She didn't understand but shrugged it off because this was a "man of God".
The abuse continued and progressed to kissing, having her fondle his genitals, and even to attempted penetration. Of course, he used many of the well-known tactics of perpetrators, i.e., he loved her, she was special, she was his own little girl, and she should never tell because that would break promises they had made to each other in the church. It progressed to nude Polaroid pictures. She rationalized it was all okay because this "man of God" conducted meetings and sat on the stand on Sundays. She was even made to feel responsible for the pain of penetration because she didn't relax.
When she turned eight and was preparing for baptism, she was afraid the bishop would find out and wouldn't let her come to church anymore. When she admitted she didn't feel worthy of baptism, he reassured her because she would come up out of the water clean and pure. That comforted her and made her feel "all sparkly and clean" outside and inside.
All of the good feelings were reversed the next days as she sat in a circle of Priesthood men as they laid hands on her head and confirmed her. During the prayer, she opened her eyes and saw her abuser in the circle with his eyes closed.
The following Saturday she wouldn't succumb to his violations, so he forced her. She struggled against his attacks to no avail. He hurt her over and over. As she cried that day, she felt that because of the way this "man of God" treated her, it was a sure sign that God hated her. She felt God had turned his back on her, and she never prayed again.
Her family moved to her maternal grandfather's home in a different town. She vowed to never go to church again, but she had to follow the directives of her family. She felt like a "liar and a cheat--dishonest and dirty and above all unworthy. At age nine, two paternal uncles molested her. She was threatened, and she told no one.
Finally when she turned 28, she confided to her paternal grandmother about the abuse from her uncles. One of the uncles used to have sex with her at the cemetery in front of his friends. When her grandmother confronted him, he broke into her home while her husband was away, and with a knife at her throat beat her and raped her. Neighbors heard her screams but didn't report it or come to her aid. She wasn't taken to the police but rather to the bishop.
She and her husband and two-year-old son moved out of state. She had anxiety attacks when she attended church. She wondered why she couldn't feel at peace there as others did. She immersed herself in religious study to find comfort. The "loss of chastity" gave her grave concerns, and she made an appointment with the bishop. He reassured her - "It isn't your fault. You are forgiven." She was told a book on forgiveness by her favorite prophet was outdated. She was even more confused. The bishop continued to work with her and to reassure her, but the panic attacks and anxiety at church continued. The bishop didn't feel she was diligent enough in her study of the Book of Mormon. She was assured God would comfort her if she truly sought it. When she confided the abuse at age seven and eight, the bishop withdrew his support and told her he couldn't help her until she got professional help. He no longer answered her calls. Julie became suicidal because she deeply felt if the bishop couldn't love and accept her, neither could God. She and her husband asked to have their names removed from church records, but no official document was ever received.
Her family was not cordial to their leaving the church. Sometimes she misses the church and family fellowship, but she still has the shame. She carries the heavy burden of abuse by a "man of God" even though with professional help, she has been able to put the uncles' abuse into a "proper place" and go on with life. But the "man of God" stuff is too heavy for her to deal with alone. And she "doesn't know how to resolve it". So she carries the "poison" around inside her.
Oh, my gosh! How I resonate with Julie. I carried the burden of my abuse around with me like a 100 pound bag of cement. I was always weighed down and didn't know how to get out from under it. My counseling helped, but it was really the impact training and the following years of healing that broke me lose. A child puts faith and trust in a "man of God" and when that is circumscribed, the child doesn't have the filter to deal with it. The hurt, the pain, the internal agony is not definitive. And men, who use their power, their size, their "man of God" image to fill their own perverted needs are beyond understanding.
Have any of you out there felt such feelings? Are you open to sharing and healing together? Let us hear from you. I will answer all emails.
From my heart to yours - hugs and love!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Forcible Sexual Abuse in my Own Town
It all began--well at least the public portion--on July 21, 2009. A 37-year-old seminary principal listened to the formal charges against him for sexually abusing one of his 16-year-old students. (Link: http://www.aboms.com/archives/011725.html)
On February 17, 2010, Michael Pratt, former Seminary Principal of Lone Peak High School Seminary pleaded not guilty to 15 felony charges involving sexual abuse of his student. (Link: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700009881/No-trial-delay-for-former-Lone-Peak-seminary-principal-Michael-Pratt.html)
However, on June 2, 2010, he pleaded guilty in the sex case rather than go to trial. Two counts of object rape and one count of forcible sodomy are first degree felonies. One count of forcible sexual abuse carries a second-degree feelony. (Link: http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/article_b6f87dd8-6d97-11df-9f44-001cc4c03286.html)
A plea deal was given to Pratt whereby his charges could run concurrently. Minimum time to be served would be six years with maximum being life in prison. But minimum time has a way of being reduced greatly - say two years.
What about the victim? She stated that it has interrupted nearly every facet of her life. (Link: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700036659/Ex-seminary-principal-Michael-Pratt-pleads-guilty-in-sex-case.html). Right now she does not have a real clue of the long-term effect this will have on her life. I doubt her family has any idea of the depths this trauma will take. It is my experience that every aspect of her life will be impacted. She didn't graduate with her class, but that is only a beginning.
I went to a sentencing hearing in March this year (which got postponed). I was disappointed because I really wanted to see some action taken. Why? I experienced some of the same things when I was a young teenager. My seminary teacher-principal also abused me from age 14 to 16. Like this girl, I was accused of knowing better and could have stopped it. They just didn't know my history which involved sexual abuse as a child and as a 12-year-old. You learn to dissociate early on when your free agency has been taken from you, and "no" is never an option.
I was shocked and dismayed to see a repeat of my own experience occur so close to home. I actually went to the hearing because I felt it might assist me in healing my own old wounds. I was actually shocked to see the media out in the hallway afterward awaiting Michael's approach. They treated him as a celebrity instead of a perpetrator. I went home and cried and then I wrote an email to the newspaper which they totally ignored. But at least I told them how I felt.
On August 31, there is supposed to be a sentencing in the case by a judge, but until then Michael is out free on bail. (Link: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=10994731&nid=148) It makes me wonder what the perpetrator is out doing. Back in my day, my teacher was not tried nor sentenced. Instead, he went from being a seminary principal to being a high school principal in a close-by town. Meanwhile, I was asked by clergy to stand in a public meeting and ask for forgiveness of the congregation. I carried the sting of that day for over 50 years until a daughter with a degree in counseling said: "Forgiveness for what? For being abused?" Until that moment, I thought I was the perpetrator.
I plan to attend the sentencing the end of this month. Hopefully, it will bring some closure for me.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Debbie's Review of my Book
Debbie is my second daughter, and she hasn't been abused. She has nine children - all singles. I am copying part of an email from her here:
"I have been reading your book a couple of hours each day--I have made time for it! I have less than a hundred pages to go. It has been very helpful to me. It has made me think a lot about the reasons why I do the things I do. I am trying harder to do them because I want to, not that I should. Thank you! Also, I am trying to live more in the present and enjoy each day and moment. Thank you for your help. You helped me to see things in a way I hadn't before. Your book can be helpful to everyone--not only to those who have suffered abuse.
I want to tell you that Wendy picked up your book Sunday off of my love seat and started reading it. She was so impressed with your introduction. I asked her yesterday if she meant the prologue or the first chapter; she said both. She told me at least four times that your book had a really, really good introduction. She said that she didn't know Grandma could write so well. (I think that is quite the compliment considering how many books Wendy has read and what a good writer she is.) I just wanted to share that with you. I hope the people that can really be helped with your book will get to see it and read it. Thanks for sharing with us.
Love,
Debbie"
Wendy is Debbie's fifth child. Wendy read a book a day for years. She is now in her third year at university. She is extremely intelligent and also a delight to be around.
I am posting their comments here to assist others in picking up my book to read it to go on a healing journey. There is much in there that is healing to almost anyone. This really touched me also because I tell in the book about writing fairy tales when I was in second grade. A sibling came in and made fun of me because I thought I could write. I threw my little book into the furnace and watched it burn. From that point on I "knew" I couldn't write. I always got A's on the grammar on my papers and C's on the content which further proved I couldn't write. That was one of the major blocks in my writing my book.
Sylvia Coates, (a professional indexer and university teacher) who did my indexing, called me one night to tell me that in her profession she had read over 2500 books, including textbooks. She just wanted to tell me that I could write and that my book was well written. I cried when she told me that. I got a little teary today as well as I read my daughter and granddaughter's evaluation of my book.
My whole purpose in writing my book was to assist people in healing. I am beginning to feel that this is really possible.
Wendy is Debbie's fifth child. Wendy read a book a day for years. She is now in her third year at university. She is extremely intelligent and also a delight to be around.
I am posting their comments here to assist others in picking up my book to read it to go on a healing journey. There is much in there that is healing to almost anyone. This really touched me also because I tell in the book about writing fairy tales when I was in second grade. A sibling came in and made fun of me because I thought I could write. I threw my little book into the furnace and watched it burn. From that point on I "knew" I couldn't write. I always got A's on the grammar on my papers and C's on the content which further proved I couldn't write. That was one of the major blocks in my writing my book.
Sylvia Coates, (a professional indexer and university teacher) who did my indexing, called me one night to tell me that in her profession she had read over 2500 books, including textbooks. She just wanted to tell me that I could write and that my book was well written. I cried when she told me that. I got a little teary today as well as I read my daughter and granddaughter's evaluation of my book.
My whole purpose in writing my book was to assist people in healing. I am beginning to feel that this is really possible.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Lady at the Pool
While I was swimming my laps, I noticed a woman doing some really good workouts in the water. After I finished my laps, I went over to do my stretch routine and some water aerobics. I continued to watch this woman. After a while, I went over and said how impressed I was with what she was doing in the water. She told me she had taken classes for four years to become certified as a water aerobics instructor. She showed me some new stretch routines and exercises that would assist with healing my hip and knee. During our conversation, I mentioned I had a background of sexual abuse (don't recall just how that came up). She became very quiet, and then related the following story.
She was a teenager, and the neighbor boy was just returning from a stint in prison. Her father was a very compassionate man, and he wanted to assist this boy in turning his life around. He felt that if he could date a really solid, church-going girl, it would help him. So he lined his daughter up with the neighbor boy. She didn't say anything about the date. She hesitated, and I could tell it was difficult for her to go on. When she gained her composure, she said: "I just hoped my parents would be able to find my body so they could bury it." I asked her if he had abused her. She just nodded her head. Again, it took her a while before she could go on. Then she told me that eventually he took her back home. She skipped forward then to an intimate time with her husband. Something was triggered and she freaked out. It was very disturbing to her husband and to herself as well. I asked her if she had dealt with the aftermath of the abuse. She looked at the clock and exclaimed: "Oh, I'm late for an appointment. I'm sorry I have to leave right now." With that, she got out of the pool. I haven't seen her since.
She was 61 years old, and I felt that she had never had counseling or healed from the affects of the trauma of the abuse. If we had just had more time, I think I could have gotten her to open up even more and been able to work through some of her issues. As it was, I told her about my book, my website, and my email address, but I don't know how much of that she would be able to recall when she had opportunity to write things down.
I have continued to be concerned about her. I don't know her name or anything else about her. I continue to run into situations like this. I know how scary some of the feelings that come up can be. I know how unsafe you can feel when you've been abused. I know how difficult it is to trust. I wish I could take this woman in my arms and let her know that there is someone who understands what she is feeling and going through, and that there is hope. When you've lived with these issues a lifetime and haven't dealt with them, it begins to just feel like part of life. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is hope, and there are places of trust. And above all, there is a way to heal. And I am dedicated to assist those who need and deserve healing.
She was a teenager, and the neighbor boy was just returning from a stint in prison. Her father was a very compassionate man, and he wanted to assist this boy in turning his life around. He felt that if he could date a really solid, church-going girl, it would help him. So he lined his daughter up with the neighbor boy. She didn't say anything about the date. She hesitated, and I could tell it was difficult for her to go on. When she gained her composure, she said: "I just hoped my parents would be able to find my body so they could bury it." I asked her if he had abused her. She just nodded her head. Again, it took her a while before she could go on. Then she told me that eventually he took her back home. She skipped forward then to an intimate time with her husband. Something was triggered and she freaked out. It was very disturbing to her husband and to herself as well. I asked her if she had dealt with the aftermath of the abuse. She looked at the clock and exclaimed: "Oh, I'm late for an appointment. I'm sorry I have to leave right now." With that, she got out of the pool. I haven't seen her since.
She was 61 years old, and I felt that she had never had counseling or healed from the affects of the trauma of the abuse. If we had just had more time, I think I could have gotten her to open up even more and been able to work through some of her issues. As it was, I told her about my book, my website, and my email address, but I don't know how much of that she would be able to recall when she had opportunity to write things down.
I have continued to be concerned about her. I don't know her name or anything else about her. I continue to run into situations like this. I know how scary some of the feelings that come up can be. I know how unsafe you can feel when you've been abused. I know how difficult it is to trust. I wish I could take this woman in my arms and let her know that there is someone who understands what she is feeling and going through, and that there is hope. When you've lived with these issues a lifetime and haven't dealt with them, it begins to just feel like part of life. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is hope, and there are places of trust. And above all, there is a way to heal. And I am dedicated to assist those who need and deserve healing.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Illness That Healed Me
Well, today was the day my publisher gave me for my new book being out. That's both exciting and scary. I am a published author, so I've experienced this before and know somewhat what to expect. Scary? Well, that's because of the subject matter. There will be some of my friends and family who will think I am wrong to publish a book like this. They just may walk away and I'll lose them. I knew this was a possibility, but the push from within to complete this mission was stronger than the possibilities of the loss.
I was thinking today while I was swimming about Dr. David Hawkings' muscle testing to calibrate the vibrational level of energies. He has a website and has written several books. I have written about him and his methods. His book, Power versus Force, is a great place to start. Although I don't entirely agree with using the physical body to test the truth (which is spiritual), it does give us a place to start from. Lowest on his energy scale is Toxic Shame which is where I spent most of my life. Toxic shame doesn't define the action but rather the person. To me, toxic shame made me feel I was totally worthless as a person. This is a byproduct of the sexual abuse. Hawkings uses a cutoff at 200 points. Below 200 is what he calls the negative energies. Above 200 are the positive ones. I prefer to label them as vibrations - neither negative or positive - rather lower or higher. Being above 200 puts us in an area that will work for us. One of my reasons for writing my book was to assist those who have been abused to move to the 200+ area. There we can feel good about ourselves and where we are in the universe.
More on this later. Right now, it's time to feed the physical body!
I was thinking today while I was swimming about Dr. David Hawkings' muscle testing to calibrate the vibrational level of energies. He has a website and has written several books. I have written about him and his methods. His book, Power versus Force, is a great place to start. Although I don't entirely agree with using the physical body to test the truth (which is spiritual), it does give us a place to start from. Lowest on his energy scale is Toxic Shame which is where I spent most of my life. Toxic shame doesn't define the action but rather the person. To me, toxic shame made me feel I was totally worthless as a person. This is a byproduct of the sexual abuse. Hawkings uses a cutoff at 200 points. Below 200 is what he calls the negative energies. Above 200 are the positive ones. I prefer to label them as vibrations - neither negative or positive - rather lower or higher. Being above 200 puts us in an area that will work for us. One of my reasons for writing my book was to assist those who have been abused to move to the 200+ area. There we can feel good about ourselves and where we are in the universe.
More on this later. Right now, it's time to feed the physical body!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Illness That Healed Me - surviving sexual abuse and the journey into healing
The Illness That Healed Me is hot off the press this week. It took 20+ years to write. It is meant to assist those who have been sexually abused which stats indicate is 1 in 3 girls by the age of 18 and 1 in 6 boys. I was abused myself as a child by a family member for several years, then by a lifeguard when I was 12 and he was 18. I worked at a local resort and I was abused the entire summer. Then two years later, when I confided the abuse to my seminary teacher, he also abused me. There was also an incident when I was walking home from school when I was in first grade. Two additional more minor assaults occurred when I was an older teenager.
Those who have not been abused have a difficult time understanding why it occurs. When your free agency is taken from you as a child, "no" is never an option. But as adults, no matter what has happened to us, we are responsible for taking charge of our lives and deciding to heal and to forgive. Forgiveness is a must or it keeps us tied to the past and to the perpetrator. The good news is that we can heal (which is a journey not a one-time occurrence).
I will be blogging a lot about abuse in the future.
I will be at UCLA Book Fair on April 24-25 featuring my book. I may also be reached at an email address I set up just for those who have been abused to contact me: puggie37@yahoo.com. I also have a website: www.janiceweinheimer.com.
I have studied and read a vast amount of information. My third therapist told me I had the equivalent of a PH.D in counseling, I just didn't have the pigskin. But he said I had something better - the experience.
I have been a published author in the past and have traveled the western US and Canada as a keynote speaker at many seminars and conferences.
I plan to answer all emails. I am dedicated to assisting the abused to heal and major in that healing is trusting and moving out of feeling shame.
Those who have not been abused have a difficult time understanding why it occurs. When your free agency is taken from you as a child, "no" is never an option. But as adults, no matter what has happened to us, we are responsible for taking charge of our lives and deciding to heal and to forgive. Forgiveness is a must or it keeps us tied to the past and to the perpetrator. The good news is that we can heal (which is a journey not a one-time occurrence).
I will be blogging a lot about abuse in the future.
I will be at UCLA Book Fair on April 24-25 featuring my book. I may also be reached at an email address I set up just for those who have been abused to contact me: puggie37@yahoo.com. I also have a website: www.janiceweinheimer.com.
I have studied and read a vast amount of information. My third therapist told me I had the equivalent of a PH.D in counseling, I just didn't have the pigskin. But he said I had something better - the experience.
I have been a published author in the past and have traveled the western US and Canada as a keynote speaker at many seminars and conferences.
I plan to answer all emails. I am dedicated to assisting the abused to heal and major in that healing is trusting and moving out of feeling shame.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)